Holy #@)*(!! Listen to recording. A lady screaming “I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake...”

When I was in a co-op I had to make sure to cook a special dish for a girl who was not only vegan but nut and soy allergic. The only protein she could eat was beans, and all of our beans came dry so I’d have to soak them the day before and cook them separate from everything else I cooked for 100 plus people and it was…

A couple of years ago, I went with a colleague to a Chinese restaurant that had just opened in town. I really fancied this guy and I wanted to impress him with some really good, authentic Chinese food. The restaurant didn’t disappoint me but he was left pretty pissed off. Not at the food, but at himself.

"Do? Well, I've never watched a person asphyxiate before, so here's my chance."

This story would’ve made the cut if it had been e-mailed to me.

Re: the fake allergies

That white zinfandel story reminds me of something that happened at the first bar I ever worked.

These two dude bros straight up swagger up to the bar (which was fairly busy). Popped collar hamptonites with less money than they want you to assume they have. The one guy leans in over the bar and shouts “Lemme get a ZIN…

Yes! In one single summer working in Alaska I lost count of how many people got off cruise ships and almost immediately asked this question. Is is because they could see mountains from where they were standing? I couldn’t tell you.

Presumably the first dirty glance was simply because she didn’t like to have her date order for her.

“Also, please take this complementary diabetes as a souvenir of your tour!”

*White* chocolate isn’t really chocolate. ;)

She probably opened it up to see what was wrong since it didn’t taste like artificial chocolate flavoring. Then she took the color as “proof” that there was’t enough chocolate in it. I know this particular brand of idiot quite well.

And I kept olives in my locker in high school.

Sea level: It really does mean what you think it means.

When I lived in CA, I worked in a kitchen in close proximity to the public. One day, I overheard someone say to his dining companion, “You know, we’re really much more knowledgable about food here in California because we’re so diverse and love all kinds of food. I mean, we have flavors that people in the Midwest…

A yuppie and his date came into the bar. It was obviously early in the relationship and he was obviously showing her how urbane he was.

“Here, we see a server remove the packaging from a frozen cheesecake that arrived on truck this morning to be thawed in a cooler. And so begins and ends our tour of Obscene Selection of Cheesecakes.”

I feel like that manager deprived the health department of a really amusing experience, though.

What is it with sushi and stupid people? I was out to dinner this weekend at a very nice sushi place (the kind where they serve sushi and that’s it, no hibachi or noodle dishes or anything) and the two women at the table in front of us were absolute nitwits. They sat down, looked over the menu, and then started doing…

Maybe hot chocolate lady was allergic to beige?