Oh, wordsmiths! They use cute little expressions like "you will die at my feet" all the time! Doesn't mean a thing! Definitely doesn't mean that this person is disturbed and possibly dangerous!

I thought that movie was excellent. I love scripts that deliberately limit themselves. In that case: what can we accomplish with three actors and one (admittedly elaborate) set? Quite a lot!

That would be logical, but kids aren’t logical. And the way the story is told, it sounds like the dude was just having a hissy fit about the situation, and looking for a way to get back at his ex-wife. And the OP specifically said that Santa did not bother the kid. The elf did.

Oh you told her that the creepy elf-doll isn't actually watching every thing she does because she was having toddler-panic attacks about it? WELL IMMA TELL HER SANTA ISN'T REAL!! was a pretty damn assy reaction to the whole situation.

I feel like it was the beautiful peak before her roller-coaster plummeted down a very steep slope. Such a lovely view for approximately one second.

Britney, purely because of Toxic.

please delete, mistake.

Bi Chen Wang was by far my favorite high school classmate. It was a big school and I don’t think we ever met, be he was a perennial yearbook highlight.

I worked as a temp for an insurance company. Occasionally, one of the receptionists could not come in, and my department would be asked to cover the 6th floor desk. It was a joke - covering that desk involved no work other than breathing and smiling.

This needs so many more stars

Read the headline, assumed Iceland had pulled off some kind of Lysistrata deal. This was much more impressive.

The cat's inner monologue will be voiced by Jason Schwartzman.

Came here to make a similar comment. Glad to see you've got it locked down.

Once, after tiny-me asked him what he was drinking, he offered me a sip. It’s one of my earliest memories.
ETA: And I want to make this clear, it was goddam awful. I wailed. If my parents had been younger and douchier they would have put me in the chair featured in the article above.

I guess that explains cheese.

My grandfather also liked to drink straight buttermilk. What is wrong with grandfathers?

Speaking from extensive customer service experience, I'll take a Tyquania over a Willie Mae any day.

I’m thinking about the fact that some people have jobs that involve patching up gun-shot victims, cramming a slice of pizza, and going straight back to the bloody hospital beds. My job involves a lot of reading stuff on the internet.

Crushes on your BFF's siblings are the best crushes. Haven't you ever read Harry Potter?

I have never been married, but I offer one other solution: invite your toxic mother and delegate someone to take the bullet. I was my sis's MOH last year and I did basically nothing but stick by our mother's side and guarantee that her bile was confined to her and me. This solution does require an obliging and…