Go fuck yourself with a baseball bat wrapped in barb wire and coated with crunchy peanut butter

Here’s some of my answers.
1) Actors such as Bale, Cruise, etc... should refuse to take roles unless their leading ladies are no more than 4 years younger than they are. (My wife is 4 years younger than me, so that is my frame of reference, but the number is a bit negotiable)

Bale was born in 1974. An imdb search for…

OK... now I want it. And then a Force Ghosted Darth Maul shows up to give Force Ghost Obi-Wan a wedgie and say “I told you!”

Good. Now pipe down afore I have to learn you some more

Oh, goody gumdrops. We’ve reached the point where fans lecture other fans on how to be a fan.

Here are some random thoughts off the top of my head as to how the Internet would have reacted to Empire Strikes Back

* OK, I liked it, but that Imperial March thing is too on-the-nose. We get it. Bad guy coming in.

By who? I didn’t vote on that. It’s just like when someone decided Kurt Cobain was the voice of my generation or that I was supposed to hate Taylor Swift for...reasons.

Imma cut more slack to a 63-year-old British actor playing an old man than I am to a floppy-haired millenial whiner.

I care, because it just adds to the unintentional comedy that is Adam Driver playing Kylo Ren.

Puh-Leze. You think these people really didn’t know and let it happen? You think Meryl Streep didn’t know?

Or do you think it didn’t break her little heart that younger actresses who were competition were getting run out of the business because they wouldn’t put out for Harvey?

They knew. They made money. No one…

If Kylo reverts back to Ben after getting his ass kicked by Rey and getting millions of jigawatts of Force Lightning through his body and then dying a broken shell of a pasty white Humpty Dumpty looking motherfucker, then I’ll consider it.

Of course she is. She’s got a built-in excuse if she doesn’t win.

Kylo killed Han. Fuck Kylo. Fuck his redemption. Fuck him joining the light side. Fuck him until he dies. Then dig up his corpse and fuck him again. And if he becomes a Force Ghost, fuck that too.

Counterpoint — Apparently, Adam Driver was doing situps and chair dips so much that he forgot to train to actually swordfight. He was embarrassingly bad.

to Meryl: Bullshit

Guess what? I’m still going to see his movies. I do not care about Matt Damon’s opinions on issues any more than I care what my toilet thinks of tax reform.

Provide the service I need. That’s all I care about.

If Kevin Spacey were cast in the next Star Wars movie, I’d still see it. If Harvey Weinstein waved $5 billion…

Hot take: J.J. Abrams and George Lucas deserve more respect than to be told Fuck You.

Now I hope Rey is Luke and Leia’s incestuous love child. Just to say Fuck You to the A.V. Club, which deserves none of the same respect

Yeah, that one would suck too...

I don’t believe in much any more, but if Kurt Warner gets dragged into this, I’m burning the motherfucker down

He molested Papa John over a bowl of green peppers

Stop it! My nipples can only get so hard!