Ugh, now I have to start watching a show about the monarchy.

My dad has a stepdaughter and if she ever comes to me and says ‘Hey, guess what, Dad and I are having a baby’, I will vomit up my entire skeleton and escalate from there.

In an interview with BuzzFeed, Dr. Dean Mitchell, a clinical assistant professor at the Touro College of Osteopathic Medicine in New York stressed that any clinic that performs apitherapy should be equipped to handle potential emergencies fucking stop it stop stinging people with bees why are you doing this fucking…

I can’t believe they did it a) at all, and b) in front of their three year old child.

I have a friend like this and it is exhausting. Every time she swears she is going to be single for six months/a year and work on herself, she ‘accidentally’ ends up in a new relationship within six weeks max. ‘Why don’t my relationships work out?’ Girl, because your inability to be alone makes you ignore all kinds of…

Oh, Jack Thompson. There’s a decidedly insane blast from the past.

Bobby, you always know what the people want and it is, of course, Liev Schreiber walking a tiny dog.

Derren Brown is amazing and I have huge respect for him. I’ve seen his live shows several times and once got picked to be part of a trick, which was both very exciting and probably a sign that I look deeply suggestible (I AM). He’s also a tremendously nice man, which is nice.

My dog was that rare thing - a Border Collie mix that was as stupid as wallpaper paste.

I would imagine that France doesn’t let children own property and drive cars and enter into legally binding contracts so I respectfully submit that French culture is perfectly able to distinguish between children and adults when it chooses to.

The lawyers also say their client thought the girl was “at least 16.”

I’ve got a mouth ulcer right now and I still ate a bag of crunchy salt and vinegar crisps because crisps are great! They are already perfect! I do not want soft, non-stick crisps that will fit in my purse!

And then Trigger made a face.

The Tories have done a lot to make this particular vulnerable person less lonely, in that I now spend a lot of time discussing with other vulnerable people how the Tories can all shit off into the ocean.

Noel Edmonds should be prosecuted for Mr Blobby alone.

That’s what I was going to say - there have been some pretty big gaffes regarding child sex offences in recent years so they’ll want to be seen to be taking things seriously.