And have $325 to spend on a pair of fucking jeans.

My first thought as well. “milked a cow and then mounted it” = well that’s a very specific fetish I hadn’t heard of before.

Actually, it is so much more complicated than that that it’s almost impossible for a regular individual to know which is objectively the “best” way.

He mounted a cow? From behind or astride?

*shrugs* I applaud him for doing something he thought was going to be interesting and fun. Who cares if this was a stunt?

Word. I have a friend who is planning on a home birth and I know she judges my decision to go to a hospital. With doctors. But I still can’t figure out how that is a bad thing. She also plans to have her placenta made into pills (which has no research base) and her baby wears amber beads to help ease the pain of…

Dolphin. Assisted. Birth.

Does it mean they’re born at six months old? At at one month old have the head-holding-up and rolling over ability of a seven month old?

This isn’t even “well, maybe I’ll indulge myself even though it’s clearly bullshit,” it’s straight up “let’s make shit up and pretend this isn’t fucking bananas.”

Babies born with the dolphins “develop 6 months faster in the first six months, have PERHAPS 150 more grams of brain weight and are ambidextrous”.

Even if dolphins were truly the cuddly little booboo bears common imagination paints them as, why on earth would they have any special knowledge of human birth? What would they be doing to “help” except hang around and squeak at you?

I was a hippie. And these dolphin assisted births are FUBAR.

Vaginal POV:

And gang rape each other. They are truly the humans of the sea.

Excuse you, I’ll have Flipper attend the birth of my future spawn if I damn well please and I will name said spawn Specialus Snowflakus, the Dolphin-born.

I’m a freaking hippie. I’m a home birthing, long term breast feeding, make my own organic baby food, hemp cloth diapering hippie..... And you know what all I want to ask this latest “I’m gonna birth in the ocean with dolphins” couple is “ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MINDS????!!!!!!!”

Umm I’ll have you know that I gave birth in the beautiful Hudson River and my baby was blessed with not two, but THREE perfectly healthy feet.

I feel so naive for being surprised by this.

ETA: The fuckin weird hippie/yuppie-driven culture that has developed around birth has achieved apotheosis. Now, people, please stop trying to out-weird all of the other crazy ladies and just have your baby in semi-normal circumstances with modern medical advances as at…

How is this not an Onion/Reductress article?