My wife and I own a "assault" rifle to keep her from getting hurt during the day while I'm at work. Twice in the last year she has had to point it at people to get them off our property after she asked them to leave and they wouldn't. What in the fuck do you people know about living in a rural area and having to…

"Get off my court, you little sawed off son of a bitch."

And we're losing 3,000 kids a day...to aha...well...abortion, but it's all cool, unless you shoot a woman who is 3 months pregnant, then it's murder. If she does it, it's ok.

I had to switch to the hunting show on NBC sports to watch it. It reminds me how stupid I was to rely completely on deer and cows my family shot when I was a kid on our farm.

Next up: An update on the Cowboys tragedy, brought to you by Johnny Walker.

So he kills his mother and steals legal handguns and a hunting rifle she registered. No semi automatics. After being turned down to buy one in the state with the most stringent rules. Mexico banned almost all gun ownership. They had more murders than we did last year. I guess anything other than hyperbole is outside…

I guess that's why they they confiscated everyone's flintlocks after the war.

So true, bob. If we had only banned knives, we could have stopped OJ too.

Don't fucking watch it it then. All you want to do is complain about how hard life is for women and yet you try to tear down women who do something with their life. Every person you write snarky shit about has already accomplished more than you ever will.

Does the abuse shelter they're at this weekend give out free phones?

12% of American workers stand beside them in solidarity.

Random House will release the final two books of this football player trilogy later this fall with Darryl Johnston's "MOOSE" and Bill Romanowski's "JUICE".

They were going to honor Franco's villainous heel in the title, but found stiff resistance from 20th Century Fox's legal department. "Alien Vs. Gucci" was also shot down.

I smell spinoff!

How do you steal shit that you own?

It depends on what you want. Most of the brands will have a model for mid range players and they have forgiveness which means when you don't hit them in the sweet spot, they will still hit the ball like it was struck well, but you lose distance. Forged irons will give you long distance, but you have to hit it true, so…

I've seen worse 2 wheeled scandals. Spike Dykes and his wife were discovered swinging with a lesbian they met on a tandem shop. The headline really wrote itself.

Looking at that shot, I doubt the good folks at Farm Bureau Insurance are too enamored with the coach this week, be it for the inclusion in that shot or his call from the ditch, begging to be taken back after running off with somebody else.

"No one should jump to conclusions. Although that would be funny on a rug. HA HA HA HA...OHF!"

The editor was torn between using this title or "The Girl With The Sagging Tattoo"