look at Pence

Ed Martin Movement? Why would you name a show after your bowel movement?

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“...rented a $3,500 a month apartment, then lived there for 6 months rent-free...”

My wife found a spider in our kitchen today. The jumping kind... she tried to kill it and missed. Obviously at that point she angered it. Me being the manly man that I am, I grabbed our kids and went to the other room until she got it. I considered staying at a hotel.

My only reaction.

Yeah, but you’d have to be a racist cunt, as well. And you don’t seem the type.

There's a lotta little old ladies out there...

Everybody has their own limits of what level of racism trips your ‘fuck that guy forever’ trigger. Claiming you saw Muslims dancing on rooftops on 9/11 is way past that line. No, you didn’t, because that didn’t happen. You are telling lies to slur innocent people to justify oppressing them by law.

2018 is starting to look up.

Penny Marshall dies and you go with the photo where it looks like she’s saying,“Eh, waddaya gonna do?”

American society ran well for decades and decades without the obscene obsession with wealth and concentrating wealth in the pockets of just a few men, and without the perverse belief that it’s OK to devastate poor people as long as you can Lord it over them while you are doing so.

i use these:

I’ll have you know my choice of Wikipedia articles to write about has had very low standards from the very first column!

I truly sincerely thought “man George RR Martin has lost a lot of weight, and still looks awful!”

That’s what your mom said last night, for I’m a terrible lover.

I feel like you’re trolling here, but it’s going to blow your testes CLEAN off when you find out that the USA is the one of the only countries in the world that still uses a two party system.

Right now there is one political party that is tearing the children of asylum seekers away from their parents and putting them in tent cities in the desert. This is the same political party that wanted to take healthcare and protections for pre-existing conditions away from millions of Americans. This is the…

Pete Davidson’s a coward for this, and SNL (as we already knew) sucks. 

“It’s shit like this that makes me embarrassed to call myself liberal.”