I know. Deklan is a terrible name.

Ughhhhh what? No. No no no no no. How could you even? Why? Guuuh.

Robin Thicke Sings: “Rapey the Snowman, Roofie the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Other Beloved Classics.”

Right? It could practically be the cover for the Robin Thicke Christmas album that nobody wants.

It’s uncanny.

If I’m paying 31 million buckaroos for my wedding, it must include Idris Elba interrupting the proceedings, declaring his everlasting love for me and marrying me on the spot while David Bowie sings “Life on Mars.” For starters.

a ten-foot wedding cake shaped like a carousel that’s rumored to have taken a month to assemble.

Maybe it’s because I am 5’0” 195lbs... but I have been 5’0” and 135lbs (Not to mention DD boobs) and in no way can I possibly consider that anywhere in the realm of “fat.” To me that is super in shape. I don’t have a problem with fat, but I just don’t think any reasonable person would consider a 5’1” 135lb woman or a…

I just texted “your very characteristic seminal odor is remarkably like that of the flowers of the Spanish chestnut” to LibraryManagain.

I am married, and I sleep alone. We do separate beds, and it is FUCKING AWESOME. I honestly give no shits what others think about it; it saved my marriage. We both snore, and we both hog the bed. We’re not compatible sleepers, and I decided since separate beds were an option, why not?

NO REGRETS, MOTHERFUCKERS.

Also,…

My weekends regularly consist of Netflix and masturbating. I’ve just started putting my vibrator next to me when I crawl into bed and open up my laptop. One day I’m going to automatically do this out of habit when I have company over and have no way of explaining myself.

I considered that and had a sads.

In my late 20’s/early 30’s I had a sexless stretch. It was amazing how quickly I “got over it”. Instead of missing it/craving it, I was more like “meh”. I’ve missed abandoned foods more. I’m guessing that to some extent, it’s “use it or lose it”?

How I feel when everyone seems to be getting laid but me:

I want to want to have sex more than I actually want to have sex.

-Sent from my vulva

The first problem is that you’re a woman, the second is that you’re showing it.

I just tell my single friends that if someone likes you, they like you. No game playing, no waiting 3 days to call. Yes I'm smug married but I dated enough shitty guys to know. It really goes both ways.

I learned early that sometimes the people who are supposed to take care of you will leave you. That’s not a complex, that’s a fact.

Saying a woman or girl has “daddy issues” is fucking wretched. If she has daddy issues, shouldn’t the hate be directed at, you know, her god damned father? How is his disgusting and damaging fuckery her fault?