Off topic but where have you been? Hopefully you are living a productive and fulfilling life and that’s why you don’t have time to fuck around on the internet, but I miss your Game of Thrones observations and hilarious parenting articles!

And this is why my cookie budget every year is more or less unlimited. (And by the way— please buy from the big girls— yeah tiny Brownies are adorbs but the Juniors, Cadets and Seniors are doing amazing things with that money!)

We were discussing polydactyly in my Bio class, and I put a picture of a guy with six fingers on the screen. Everyone got creeped out. I said that the guy killed Inigo Montoya’s father and should prepare to die. ONE kid knew what I was talking about. ONE.

I took the first bible back and put it on her porch with a thanks but no thanks card. The second bundle (I don’t know why she thought multiple bibles were needed) I took them back and handed them to her directly and said NO, thanks. Any more and I will have a small bonfire and perhaps a bit of dancing.

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: there’s a Friends reference every day in your life. And you must always seize the opportunity to make it.

Problems such as these require numerical analysis. And more Paul Giamatti. More Paul Giamatti is always a good thing.

Walker. Because he may have a chance.

“Now THAT’S White Zinfandel!” which he promptly poured into his monogrammed thermos.

Bananas, plantains and avocados, and the sheer number of times some asshole has informed me that “you just don’t like ethnic food” or (the reason I ate for free at On The Border for the entire tenure of the manager that was dating my cousin) “don’t be such a bitchbaby about a little guacamole, it’s not that…

And Ciara is an ever BIGGER upgrade than his cheating, trash-heap of an ex-wife.

One time when I was outside of a Cheesecake Factory smoking a cigarette a man propositioned me thinking I was a hooker.

This kid knows what’s up.

I would say "I don't understand how they're going to try to justify this," because it seems so laughably impossible to justify, but come on. We both know better than that by now.

Also, star this comment if you went to Catholic school and still remember how much fucking time you'd be spending in chapel this week.

I worked at Applebee's for almost three years in my hometown of about 22,000 people. I was working full time as a hostess and the to-go server, and was also working full time in our local junior high school in a classroom for troubled kids. I'd get to the school at 7:00 in the morning, work until 3:30, go home, change…

Parents need to realize that your child being different isnt the worst thing in the world. My wife is a Special Education teacher and deals with autistic students all day, some of which very severe.

Mustard, onions, I'M FUCKING DONE.

While there are a lot of arguments over what constitutes the Midwest, Ohio IS the Midwest. If you disagree, you're wrong. States that are unequivocally Midwestern: Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Michigan, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Iowa. I'm willing to hear arguments for the inclusion of other states, but those brook no…

Welcome to the wonder that is chili mac (it's more commonly made with macaroni than spaghetti noodles). I'm glad I ate lunch already, b/c I wouldn't be hungry after being reminded that chili mac is a thing...

Chicago introduced me to the wonder that is sport peppers though, and those are the truth on a hot dog.