Am I the only one who excitedly clicked on the Harry/Skarsgard link because her brain translated it as NSFW, and was horribly disappointed to find herself on the National Science Foundation Page? Dammit.

Hah. Seriously, my only professional goal in life is to have an office. That's literally it.

I married one, we have a beautiful baby girl with her daddy's hair.

Erin I have to go into a boardroom meeting in 10 minutes and report to my C-suite bosses with red puffy eyes. Fuck you very much, Erin, you asshole. Fuck you so hard.

You can't be racist against a location….. because it's not a race.

We must run in very different crowds.

Oh, so now the elves are Black too?

I did it for a long time too, but my Mom made me stop.

Aren't you size 8 fatties glad you finally have somewhere to shop? /sarcasm

I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger.

Well look, I like the Christmas Jesus best, and I'm sayin grace. When you say grace, you can say it to grown up Jesus, or teenage Jesus, or bearded Jesus, or whatever you want.

Dear 8 pounds 6 ounces... new born infant jesus, don't even know a word yet. Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin' there in your ghost manger, just lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors, let it be this musical:

Multicolored lights/big bulbs is the only way to do it. All other lights can step the fuck off.

My grandmother and brother have both worked full time at WalMart. My grandmother was a full time cashier and only recently went to part time, cause she's 80. My brother started as a cart pusher and has now been promoted three times to be in inventory control in the meat department. That might sound terrible to you,…

The levels of awesome don't seem to end today.

Portions of this went down a block from my office, so I got to cheer for Miles - it was amazing!! This city is going insane today. Don't get me wrong - I love sports, but it feels infinitely more amazing to watch a city rally for a 5-year-old instead of a sports team. Go Batkid!!

Thin-crust, New York-style pizza is just cardboard with burnt cheese and grease ladled on top.

My dad is one of those listeners. My husband is in the military. Whenever he brings up birth control and how he shouldn't pay for it I simply remind him that he is already paying for millions of women's birth control via the military, including my own. I then make it even more personal and say how his tax dollars are…

I'm still baffled that this man managed to convince three separate women to fucking marry* him.