Obama is the best. He doesn’t even have to do this stuff anymore but look at him, out and about. Meanwhile the shitstain in the White House is trying his best to destroy everything good in this world.

Can you imagine any child being that happy to see the dumpster fire currently occupying the White House? Children lose their damn minds getting to see Obama.

My line of the night

I like all of the Chrises, but Chris Evans—talented, sexy, outspoken, unabashedly liberal, dog-loving Chris Evans—is the best Chris.

Its Dubai. They aren’t apologizing to anyone.

Around five years ago, I was a TA for an undergraduate literature course that had 300 students; there were two TAs and our job was mostly to do grading (sigh) and hand out exams and set up PowerPoints and stuff of that nature. Basically, assist the professor in all manner of tedium while she lectured. Due to a…

Do you remember the story about how the kid was writing a paper with headphones on and there was writing all over the house that said “LOOK AT ME”? It still haunts me and that was I think like 3 years ago.

A racist, sexist, ignoramus with early-onset dementia gets elected President of the United States.

What the fuck is this comment? Get lost.

Why are you counting, you miserable dickhead? It’s already been played by your worthless ass.

Practical Magic > Charmed

Once I was in the loo at the airport and I farted. A woman in another stall said loudly, “That’s disgusting! Who did that?”. I laughed so hard that I farted again and she declared, “I do not have to listen to this!” and stormed out.

Nobody thought it was strange that the titles of two of his collections were “Tous Les Yeux Sur Moi” and “Strictement Pour Mes Niggas” 

Counterpoint:

She looks like she was about to go to a Top Gun themed party before Cheeto dragged her on this stupid vanity trip.

Alternatively “I like all kinds of music.”

Nah, nigga you don’t. Just say Tom Petty and stop soft shoeing around the subject.

“I don’t really like rap.”