In this market, you have to move fast to capitalize on potential gains within cultural subsets. If you aren’t doing community-based targeting strategies, you’re losing out on potential gains in market share. I am dead inside, there is only market share.

What I like about this post is that you’re successfully re-establishing your brand as one of the best Deadspin commenters to a whole new demographic of workshy masturbators.

“to help launch our brand into the market...”

Kids these days are so soft. Back in my day, you weren’t done in Oregon until you died of dysentery.

You sound like you don’t even care about the 1960 Summer Olympics 16th place finishing East German race walker, Horst Astroth. I’m going to assume it was just a momentary oversight, and not intentional.

Fuck you 2017!!! First you take F. Ross Johnson, former CEO of RJR Nabisco, and now you take Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka??? How many more celebrity deaths will force me to tweet about?

Anchorman 2 wasn’t bad. It wasn’t good, either, but I’d rather get stoned and watch that than 3 hours of Knicks basketball.

We’re going to touch down at 4:00 in the fucking morning. So be it. We’ll be ready for their ass. But you ain’t got to tell them we’re coming.

“You think that’s bad—you should see my videos of the things they say at practice”

we’ve all already bought “The Hike,” Magary, give it a rest.

used to be you’d go to the dang game as scheduled and die there from exposure and become an ice ghost and get into all sorts of cool adventures where you’d have to fight the Winter Wizard and get the Orb of Haarj to thaw the last thunderbird and ride it back to the waking world but i guess that time is over

They claim it’s an ice storm, but we know the real reason they need to “prep the field.” #IWantToBelieve

And then steps down to work for a perfume company:

And then he’s appointed as the nation’s first Secretary of Offense:

Then he gets a job at the US Mint:

Can’t wait for the ensuing sex scandal:

Then in despair attempts to mount an Any Which Way But Loose Reboot. Clint Eastwood is reportedly happy with Helfrich’s work, but not so his costar:

Then gives up coaching to grow fruit for Victorian tea parties, a job for which he is admittedly ill-suited:

Phil Knight’s not an idiot.

I hope he ends up going to LSU so we can have a companion headline...