This is the least surprising news of the day. He probably followed this up by eating a baby.

“Cristiano, I want to apologize for my agent’s statements. The truth is I hate you with the blazing heat of a Toledo summer. With the nuclear fire of the core of the Sun. There is truly no word in English, Spanish, Catalan, or Basque that truly captures the level of my hatred of you. My agent misrepresented that, and…