I really really really fucking really really really want to go to this wedding. There should probably be a “tiny house” involved too, don’t you think?

I really do have no idea if my taxes are accurate, I just tend to hope TurboTax knows what it’s doing.

We are planning a Hygge themed wedding. The bridesmaids’ dresses will be warm Scandinavian knit sweaters, the groom has been growing a long bushy beard and on the wedding day he’ll be hiding cinnamon sticks and star anise in it and the bride will be driven into the wedding venue in a 1974 beige Volvo station wagon.…

I read way too many of these (up until “foxhead garlands”) before realizing this was satire.

I had to get a third of the way through before I realized this was satire, so good on you. Or good on my 7 months pregnant non-working brain, maybe.

“Destination wedding are making a comeback! Unfortunately that destination is Hell.”

I see you got your scrip for painkillers refilled tomato troll.

White people grow tomatoes

I AM SO SICK AND FUCKING TIRED OF THAT FUCKING BULLSHIT.

The DNC nominated the person who got the most votes. By a lot.

If you want to cast aspersions, though, cast aspersions on the people in the Democratic party who were secretly (or not so secretly) hoping for a Trump nomination, because they thought he’d be a walkover.* Cast aspersions on the people inside the Clinton…

False Equivalency Alert

Well.... President Obama is a Constitutional Law scholar, and a successful politician, and generally a pretty cerebral guy.

Yes, just keep employing those false equivalencies for Obama and Trump.

As someone who has the tiny top scar herself, I can tell you exactly how to avoid the asshole look just below the scar- don’t have liposuction when you have a neck lift/lower face lift. It isn’t necessary once the neck lift is done and you almost always end up with weird skin reaction/swirls like you see in that…

Says you. Just yesterday I drooled on the floor of my apartment while I was trying to yell at my boyfriend for leaving his shoes in the living room while simultaneously leaning over to pick up said shoes.

Joseph Smith used this exact same strategy to start the entire Mormon religion.

Also, if there are tapes, release them. We don’t need watergate level reporters. We need a Kinja burner account.

“I have a secret. It’s SO GOOD! It’s the greatest secret in the whole world, you’re gonna love it! I can’t tell you, though.”

This is getting really annoying. Either say it or don’t say it. Make up your mind.

Enough with the fucking tweet storms. If you have something lengthy to write, put it in a blog post or a Facebook post. Tweet storms are the vertical video of the written word.