It’s pretty rich of her to construe a homeland security dude doing his job as “trying to get his 15 minutes” considering she hitched her wagon to an aging alcoholic superstar and hasn’t looked back since.

Flip flops are the main difference between New York and California. Wear flip flops in New York and people will look at you like you are actual dog shit. I can wear flip flops to a wedding in California and it’s fine.

The fuck is this? Flip-flops are dope as fuck and comfortable no matter what genitalia you tuck away in your underwear.

Customers are certainly allowed to complain about whatever they want, and I’m allowed to make fun of them when those complaints are stupid—as well as the silly grocery chain that kowtows to their absurd issues.

I love this series like I love cooking shows: I’m never going to do it myself but, goddamn, I’m impressed with the results and love watching the process!

Same way a parent has to eventually tell their daughter that they’re not actually a princess or that their son can’t wear a cape to school.

Who among us hasn’t had a dream and then given up after completing 2.6% of it?

I was once looking through my parents’ fireproof box for my birth certificate, and I found this card from a woman confessing her love for my dad. Apparently this secret admirer asked him to put a sign at the end of our driveway saying “yes” or “no” depending on how willing he was to cheat on my mom. My dad was…

Undocumented goats being paid cents on the dollar, no doubt. Thanks Ollama.

There are goats near where I work and when I walk by I instinctively say “G-o-o-o-o-o-o-a-t-s” because apparently I think the sound a goat makes is just the name of the animal said like b-a-a-a. Similarly, I also say “s-h-e-e-e-e-e-p” and “m-o-o-o-s-e” (but that’s more like a cow lowing).

You are not enough. You need A,E, I,O and occasionally Y to make up your 140.

This bumper sticker covers it all.

My wife-to-be was changing careers at the time, and literally DNGAF about the wedding, so I planned it. It was cheap and awesome. Hall? We had a nice house, so we just set up one of those cute yellow and white canopies in the yard, rental chairs and tables underneath. Church? We’re both atheists, so we got a great…

yeah, this weirded me out when I moved to NZ, but from what I understand by folks who have gone through the process, pretty much every single doctor will conclude that if you DO want an abortion, your mental health would be at risk if you DON’T get one. I think it was just written that way to to appease the bible…

No, don’t misunderstand me - getting wasted is a pleasant side effect of wine-drinking. One doesn’t drink wine specifically to become wasted, usually. One drinks wine to have a pleasant evening (or, let’s be honest, Saturday afternoon) and ends up a tiny bit drunk as a result.

I choose my wine based on the bottle. If it has a cool label or a weird name, I’ll probably be more inclined to buy it.

It’s always the $10 bottles that I end up liking best. I am, however, lucky to live in Niagara...wine country of southeastern Canada, and a common fun thing to do with friends is go wine tasting. You…

I love jokes and puns - I rolled my eyes at myself. I felt like a cartoon character like a lightbulb appeared over my head.

I, for real, don’t understand anything going on in that tweet.

You're a genius. Some engineer needs to start working on a way to make this happen immediately. We can call it the cunt pump.

Now, there are many trans folks because of genetics and/or lack of material access who will never be able to embody these standards.