I almost forgot, I replaced the normal baked potato side with garlic mashed potatoes, and the veggie of the night was asparagus sauteed in olive oil and garlic... Because FUCK HIM, that's why.

You forgot about Basil prancing around like Hitler, shouting "Gluten Uber Alles!"

*muffled shouting from kitchen*

Great, now I have to re-read the article...

It's like PIGlio griglio.

Yessssss. I'm a cook at a higher end gastropub and our servers have a shameful lack of knowledge of what is in our food, no matter how many times we try to educate them/tell them/have learning sessions. Our manager came in and asked us what the battered vegetable was on a particular dish that we've had since BEFORE…

I was once in a "fancy" Chinese restaurant in Chicago for my birthday and they had just waxed the floors. EVERYONE was falling down. Servers, customers, everyone. It was bizarre and hilarious. The management was losing their minds over how many meals they were comping. I wiped out before I even got to my table. My…

Pork Wine. The OTHER white wine.

The 3th year. Brilliant.

Is left shark menstruating?

Oh, god. I was in a now-semi-defunct band until recently and our CD recording happened the summer that the Monkey Jesus painting hapened, and a band member was SO ENTHUSIASTICALLY campaining to have Monkey Jesus be the album cover because "cunts'll love it!"* For the life of him he could not grasp that in one…

He is a moron. My husband rock climbs and I've done it a couple of time until I remembered that I am weak and terrified of heights. That shit is expensive in even in a gym where they provide you with most of the equipment. The only way doing it on actual rocks is cheap is if the person doesn't use any safety…

....

I got my puppy this week! This is my first time having a dog so I'm still trying to figure out what's normal with puppies in terms of behavior and training and stuff like that, but I think she's doing fine. Now I'm that person that takes a million pictures and videos of their dog, so I'll share some with you guys…

Ok, look. I don't owe you or ultimately anyone else any kind of explanation, but since you're keen to make all kinds of assumptions about me and my previous relationships, let me clarify a few points for you:

1994, suburbs of Chicago, summer before my senior year of high school. I'm a sexually frustrated 17 year old gay boy and my parents have left me home alone so I'm having a party - nothing outrageous - with my friends. My 18 year old girl friend has brought the 20 year old dude she's screwing around with and he - in…

My husband and I met in grad school and didn't hit it off immediately. We got stuck in the same miserable class together on Monday nights. It talked about music history, and one night the instructor went on an endless ramble about Schubert's "syphilis attacks" and kept saying the nonsense phrase "syphilis attacks"…

Newly single, I ran into this hot guy I was acquainted with at a bar after my band played a show. I was like "Hey, I know you. What's your name again?"

He told me his name and my next question was "Wanna go make out in your car?"

It was a glorious summer day in drawing class so we all went out to the historical cemetery on campus to sketch. I was wearing a red sundress and I decided that I really wanted to get the attention of this one guy I'd been checking out all term.

Now, how on earth does someone so stupid even have 1.4 million to begin with? I am doing life wrong.