Yeah my MyFitness pal entries are more like fanfiction

Has anyone else obsessively counted calories on an app, only to find themselves actually fudging the data? Oh, maybe it was only 10 almonds, not 15....that just looks better. Counting calories just makes me lie to myself.

But if diet and nutrition were actually simple things to deal with, you wouldn’t have any grounds to be superior about it.

Do you think that setting a food item on fire accurately measures how much energy our bodies extract from a food item?

I count calories and you don’t have to be rude about it. Maybe you don’t need to worry about calories, but I’m short and I get fat very quickly if I’m just eating random handfuls of food and hoping I burn off the excess. BTW a handful of nuts has an insane amount of calories. I eat raw almonds and nut butters but I…

Science time! A kilocalorie, or what you know as a calorie in food terms is the amount of energy required to heat one kilogram of water 1/100 of the way from freezing to boiling. Sounds simple, right? Nope. Nutritionists determine this value by literally setting a food item on fire inside a device called a bomb…

....are perfectly fine. Because everyone knows birthday calories work in reverse.

You can’t prove that I’m not a steam engine.

This is a known problem. Part of the problem is that calories are traditionally measured by burning food and measuring how much energy it takes to get the food to boil water (basically, it operates under the assumption humans are steam engines).

Protester? Don’t you mean “thug”?

The protester later was quoted as saying he didn’t believe this would negatively affect his career in the Senate.

I just tracked down the four people from these tweets and stabbed them in the eyes. #soworthit #yourewelcome

Well played.

It’s so annoying that I can’t enjoy articles like this because, like, I always seem to know what Harvard researchers are going to prove before they prove it :/ bummer.

I am so bored by how fascinated women are with my very large penis.

It’s a proud moment when your neighborhood is featured on the news for something other than a shooting.

Only in Washington, D.C. can a former city councilman become a gay strip club impresario. Meet Jim Graham, the 69-year-old former politician

Good on Cornelius for actually showing up to class though!

Ha! Try the experience of realizing that the scholarship that allows you to attend a certain school is endowed by the family of one of your classmates. So you are a XXX Scholar, but Cornelius XXX is sitting next to you in class. Awk-ward.