When you read, do you just stick your face against the computer screen and mush all the words together with your eyes, or what

I don’t think it’s what you ate and drank but more how specific you were about it.

that’s the most millenial hipster shit i have ever heard

Same logic as my no-condom birth control strategy. Women instinctively protect themselves by having nothing to do with me.

i literally only text when im driving impaired. dont police me. glad you solved this case though. monty appreciates the prayers too.

It’s copper pipe not unobtanium. Digging up streets is going to be a pain, but replacing lead with copper is an utterly routine job and if a little money were thrown at it hundreds of inspections for lead pipe and dozens of replacements could end up being done per day.

It feels like he took a 20mg Adderall instead of a 10 before writing this.

And Hunter Thompson’s corpse is writing better articles than Burneko.

Given that part of Albert’s job is reading Kinja comments, I have a hard time believing he wrote the phrase “unearned misanthropy” with a straight face. People seem to go out of their way to strengthen my misanthropy every waking hour of my life.

I’m thinking Burneko rented a thesaurus online and was about to run out of time to access it without having to pay another rental fee.

So urgent his article, a thousand word “think piece” on a candidate who dropped out a month ago. I eagerly anticipate your thoughts on Fred Thompson.

South Park had an entire episode about how Trump sucks. This is a strange article.

That’s because this article is 0% substance.

>the internet’s slightly-smarter-than-average suburban teens

What did I just read? You can use all the big words you want in your writing, that doesn’t make it logical or sensible.

OK, we got your opinion on South Park. In spades. Whaddaya think about that Rand Paul fellow?

2009 called. it said shut the fuck up.

Please see Russell Wilson’s press conference after last year’s Super Bowl.

I am a man of contradictions and #yolo. Let the heavens not forsake me for it.

I see. It’s interesting how Jalopnik can swing from modern slang to archaic text in less time than it takes to say “Mayflower Compact”.