I’d absolutely risk a blind date with the author of such glorious prose.

Weeping with laughter!!! You win xxx

On their pillow?

I have a friend I used to sext with, who I’m strictly platonic friends with now. But back in the day, he sent me this:

I laughed so hard I hurt myself!

Look at Casanova over here, making eye contact and everything

I know! I am so lucky!

But it’s still funny when I get a string of messages like this:

I wish! I did tell him, after his frantic apology text that I liked him but I didn't LIKE like him.

Not as heinous as some of the others, but the guy I’m seeing has English as his third language, so sometimes he sends me really goofy things that have very sexy sentiments behind them, but still make me laugh.

A sample:

 “you have so many beautiful features, looking at your photo one that I can’t stop looking at is…

First text: “I need you now.”

It’s like modern life is a dog show where you’re never told when you’ll be judging the contestants but instead of adorable doggies it’s anuses.

“What are the chances your sister can join us?”

That’s incredible. Literally jaw-dropping.

Who wants to fuck someone with egg salad breath?!?

Somehow we ended up killing Mario.

Worst one I got was a birthday text, followed by a text about how I look in my birthday suit and what they wanted to do to me, which was then followed by a rather desperate text asking for the second message to be deleted.

I can’t believe he didn’t even have the decency to ask if you had gone splat, let alone not text-cuddling.

Gary Clark Junior’s This Land opens with “pissed off and paranoid” and builds to:

If she is comatose, she prob has a peg tube, which accesses stomach directly. She is monitored by nurses, dietary and etc. All meds and nutrition are given via peg. So she very likely had good nutritional support during pregnancy. I’ve written and changed orders a thousand times for these patients according to their…