Moms are neg ninjas.

like french fries on a sandwich

Every word of your post sounds like the opening scene in a David Lynch movie. All it needs is Ryan Gosling as a troubled cop, here to ask about the fresh bodies with sewn-on goat heads dug up at the refinery when they started expansion. The hostess, an ageless woman with circular scars above her eyes, will force him…

My dad got kicked out of the Lincoln Memorial once. At the time he was shirtless and pretending to cut down one of the pillars using an invisible chainsaw. Not sure which offense got him kicked out, or if it was a combination. Also, I feel like I should note that my dad is NOT from West Virginia, but he is pretty…

My MIL is the only person in possibly the whole world who says “bless your heart” and actually means it, without any hint of shade. I think I could stab a dude and she’d say “Well, I am sure he deserved it and I really like that knife you used!”

ANOTHER PERSON WHO KNOWS WHAT THIS IS LIKE!!! I'm sorry to hijack your thread, but this dynamic is so baffling to experience and so hard to explain to anyone else. My mom will spend twenty minutes straight going on and on about her coworker's daughter's boyfriend or her preferred method for potting up plants, and…

“he didn’t mention just exactly how they could have gotten on a man’s fine beard in the first place.”