There are no winners here, except the surgeons being paid for this. Which is awful.

This may be the saddest thing I've read this week.

he took one deep sniff of me and declared that garlic was 'the stench of neglect."

I love roasted garlic on many, many things. Sadly, it does NOT love me...

This is my airplane boarding habit. "In case of Lost-esque situation, what am I working with?"

Yep, and her eyes are slightly hooded to begin with which means *more* in-the-make-up-chair hijinks that doesn't show but really irritates the eyes — especially if she's like me and wears contact lenses.

I send pictures of my bookcases to girls I am interested in lieu of dick pics.

This is everything I used to do on the subway before I got married. I would play this game in my head and think of a scenario of if the subway broke down right there and the world ended and I had to procreate with two dudes (yes, I would have a number 1 dude and number 2) who would it be? I don't even know if this…

Make that whole milk and add a double shot of Baileys or Cointreau and me and my coronary artery disease, diabeetus and cirrhotic liver are completely with you.

I was thinking of things like taping pennies to your eyelids and blinking repeatedly. Maybe add pennies to your flirtatious winking game?

And booze, put some booze in that!

Now I'm trying to think of other things that could possibly make your eyelids fatigued.

And Bailey's. (I would say creme de menthe but apparently there is a SERIOUS WAR between pure chocolatists and chocolate/peppermint combination lovers.)

If the whipped cream isn't homemade, it doesn't deserve to be on hot chocolate. Other than that, bring on the sprinkles!!!

And a shot of creme de menthe dropped in.

Aaaaaand I just got diabetes

Whoa now, let's leave hot chocolate with whip out of this. Fine you can have all the sprinkles