He’s long gone, yes. One minor regret is that I didn’t kill him. But then I woulda ended up in prison for the rest of my life and it would’ve deprived all you good people of my edgy wit and wisdom. That would’ve been the real crime.

My psycho stepfather was constantly trying impress some kind of toxic masculine example on me as a kid because he thought I was a “little fag” and a “sissyboy” because I preferred reading to sports. He tried to teach me to fight once by slapping my face over and over and telling me to hit him back. When I did, he told…

Take it back! They ARE dating! They are! They are! They’re in love and gonna get married and have beautiful babies! BooooHooooHooooo!

Hey! This is ‘Merica! I don’t need no damn flags! Or permission! Or pants!

I’m sure she’s learned her lesson this time. Good job, Twitter.

The more you know... (gag).

No PITT maneuver jokes? Really, people? C,mon!

Yawnda.

I’m with ya, Britney! Nothing makes me happier than a new bit o’ technology. Congrats on your new bestie!

I felt like I had come up with the 7UP Gold concept back in the late ‘60s as my fave drink was half Coke\half 7UP as a kid. Everyone in my family thought it was terrible and couldn’t understand why I mixed it. When 7Up Gold came out, I thought I was vindicated...until I drank it. They did it wrong somehow. Every once…

$900M. That's all that really matters to all the players in this story.

Sure. Good. Great. I mean why the fuck not? At this point she’d be the intellectual and moral touchstone of the GOP.

It’s a crap shoot. For awhile my number was creeping toward 8. My last test about a month ago? 6.7. I haven’t really altered my diet, haven’t lost much weight, just biking more for exercise. All I take is Metformin twice a day. I figure my next test I’ll be at 15 or something. Who the fuck knows?

Her voice and phrasing give it extra oomph. It’s beautiful.

Music is so important to me. It’s often been a refuge from a reality that was way more harsh than I could handle. To pick one significant lyric is impossible. All I can say right now is a song that’s hitting me hard in the heart is “Liability” by Lorde.

We’re really sorry, Mexico. Please let us return this to you. Mexico? Hello? Dammit.....

In all fairness, this pic has triggered a violent emetic response in me.

This is why you don’t date people you work with. Awkward!

I demand she be identified as Aurora Teagarden going forward. She needs to be held accountable. 

Caption for header pic: The Legion Of Dumb.