I've been walking around with elemental carbon nestled in my buttcheeks since i was born. When critical pressure and temperature is reached, my beloved will have a beautiful diamond. This guy's an amateur.

Yawn. Call me when someone mines the metal used to make the pans to collect the gold with.

My bf and I went to his cousin's wedding about a year ago. The church ceremony went well and was beautiful. When we got to the dinner the drama started when the catering chef and florist decided to reignite their blood feud right then and there. Punches were thrown and chicken mole went flying everywhere. The cops…

John Mulaney's bit about L&O: SVU is hiiilarious.

Jennifer Lopez has been offered a lube sponsorship. Not quite sure what a lube sponsorship is

Guys, Ariana Grande makes me mega uncomfortable. Although "sexy My Little Pony" might be a more accurate description.

So, some of you may have little bits of this already.

I went to all those hippy classes to and when it came time for my second all that went out the window. My little dude was a flipper, 40 weeks pregnant and he kept flipping, head up, head sideways, head down, head back up. So we had to schedule a c-section because he was sideways, which makes even a breech birth…

Thank you for reading my mind, and for saying it 500 times better than I ever could.

Lindy — we don't know each other and I almost never even comment here, but for whatever it's worth, over the past year or so you have actually, literally inspired me. If this ever makes its way out of the greys, I'd like you to know that as I have slowly, foggily made made my way back from the land of creative…

By the time I was 6, I had two little sisters. We went on our first family vacation that year, and (now that I know what kind of hell it is to share a hotel room with children) my parents weren't exactly relaxing. By the end of the trip, their plan was to load up the car while we were all still asleep (when you're…

OF COURSE YOU CAN'T CHANGE A FUCKING DIAPER IN THE MIDDLE OF A RESTAURANT.

How is that even comparable? I am posting what's been reported. None of that excuses her behavior and even the headline states that she was jailed for her actions.

You know, I can't help but wonder if this was actually *MEANT* to be a nice, generous deed performed by an old school Santa Claus type craftsperson who just thought they were doing something anonymous and kind for their neighbors' kids. The first neighborhood I lived in as a kid was a dead end street that offered my…

Can we not get a lifestyle website for people who hate being inspired and are just generally dreadful?

bassguitarhero's all-purpose guide to life: Are you going to do a thing? Have you spent more than 3 seconds thinking about it? Have you thought about it from literally anybody else's perspective other than your own?

Now that True Blood has wrapped and Anna Paquin is no longer contractually obligated to have blond hair, the 31-year-old actress celebrated by going all out.

Do inanimate objects count? Because if so I nominate: