Three whole months without masturbating?!?!? Jeez, I'll be lucky if I make it through writing this com

Came here just to make sure someone noted the obvious Snow Crash reference, thank you.

Cute story! Anyone want to hear a less cute story - which hopefully makes sense - about my mom being awful? Here goes:

Come on, man. He's not going to Cleveland. His wife owns that juice bar in Miami. You think she's just gonna sell that thing and open another one up in Cleveland? You know how annoying it is to get a zoning permit and pass inspection from the health department? She's not gonna go through all that all over again.

Pilkington face.

I love how the humans are all "Hi Bear! Aw, he's so cute", and the bear is "I'm gonna kill you...ooof...hang on....soon's as I roll over here...urf...yes, Face of Nature's Vengeance, that's me..blerg oh GOD why did I eat all those campers...I KNEW I was going to fill up and I just went right ahead and did it…

HOT TIP.

"The kids were absolutely ravenous," remarked an onlooker. "At one point they cut the throat of a raccoon and feasted on the blood while cooing "'sweet nectar.'" Another witness noted that blood-soaked copies of acclaimed hit Country Strong were found scattered around the restaurant.

AH! He's an aggressive fan of cabbage.

Not all dogs...

Not all Mara Wilsons!

The comments on this post make me want to bake everyone cookies and give out free hugs to you guys. (important note: I *hate* hugs.)

I forget where I even found this.

Not all internet.

I'm more impressed that Etch-A-Sketch is now making video cameras.

Think you could maybe learn something about how to construct a logical argument. For example, it would be unacceptable for me to dismiss your perspective because you have chosen to name yourself after an actress that has recently decided to announce her support for Woody Allen, an accused pedophile. That is committing…

It's what Deadspin pays us for.

I don't know, I don't really want her to be better. Not only for the sake of the comedy but because the woman who gets that position probably wouldn't be any better. Palin certainly wasn't, and Hillary can be just as fake and incompetent (her 2008 campaign was pretty poorly constructed and managed, unfortunately).

What'…