Holiday party circa 2004: I and my frenemy of about 10 years, “Jane,” work for a large, glitzy media company. Jane worked in the music business during the ‘80s, when the only thing larger than industry egos were the drug budgets…and her ethics and ethos were still back in those heady days. In general, she was able to…

Oh yeah. I should have made it clear I felt awful at the time but my mother has a ton of issues and now I keep my contact with her pretty minimal.

Welp, it was a New Year’s Eve, in a small town, long ago. I was nineteen. A friend of mine invited me to a party at her family’s house. There was a great deal of red wine, and also a mystery punch. I had a fair amount of both, I believe. After a certain point, I proposed marriage to one of my friend’s brothers. Then I…

I went to my husbands company Christmas party. I was 8 months pregnant. It was not supposed to be fancy but all the women were wearing those horrifying platform 5 inch heels that were so popular for a while and bandage dresses. I was wearing jeans and a sad gray maternity sweater. I was too large to contemplate buying…

Not Christmas, but definitely a holiday given the time period. I have never fucked up so badly in a language before or since.

Jesus. Every star.

I’m going to say this year is going to be the worst. I have been tasked by my father and sister to get my mother to take her mental health seriously, as we all believe she is suffering from depression. We’ve all tried to bring this up before, my mother is a wonderful kind person but she’s not happy these days and…

FUCK, man.

I’m going to paste your mom right in the nose, if that’s okay.

Twenty or so years ago, I and my four brothers are at my grandmother’s house in a wealthy suburb of Boston. Our unmedicated, bipolar mother is there, and she’s agitated and starting to drink (she went through periods of thinking God had cured her of her bipolarity and would then abandon her meds, and why not a week…

I seek revenge on rude people anonymously. Like the bitch who parked her cart in the middle of the grocery aisle and ignored my polite request to get by?

Not totally secret, but just my wife and anyone who stays with us knows:

Not Halloween, but still a dress up faux pas (or possibly the greatest dress up incident ever, depending on your perspective): A few years back my brother and his girlfriend decided to throw a nice New Year’s Eve party for a few dozen close friends and relatives. They rented a banquet room at a restaurant, had an open…

This one time I took a profitable sports blog, told it to completely change its already successful column subject writing strategy and managed to fire the editor in charge leading to all the writers quitting in solidarity, leaving it as a shell, and then banning all comments because I was afraid of criticism. What a…

Fucking hell. If you are older than 11, please put some fucking punctuation in that giant sentence.

I was in a dive bar, pissed off.

I had a really cute relationship with my gf but now i found out she’s been cheating on me the whole time and i’ve been so weak and wishy washy about breaking up with her because girl tears are like fucking kryptonite for me but now she’s on her way to our apartment that was just fucking moved into and i’ve got to…

Gather round young whipper snappers and let me regale you with a tale of MySpace love.

“Never board the somewhat empty subway car on an otherwise packed train.”

My grandfather once told me you need two kinds of money. “Walking around money” and “running away money.” And to always keep the piles separate.