“I’m so very sorry, but when we were stitching you up Dr. WTF sewed his finger to your labia. It didn’t worsen the tear, but fluids mixed and we do need to do an HIV test. After we re-sew.”

I very recently was in the shower and felt what seemed like, well, poop in between my cheeks. I reached back figuring I’d clean it out and pulled a worm out of my ass. Like a six inch long white worm. I screamed and threw it on the floor and it was wriggling around. My SO came running in looked at it and said “this…

Well, I was literally bleeding out of my ass, and my doctor told me that I had a pilonidal cyst. Then came the awful question - “So, have you pulled any of the cyst out? It should have the appearance and consistency of old Crisco.”

I have two on my head, which are recent acquisitions (I’m 41). The downstairs has been alight for quite some time now, which I find to be a very disconcerting turn of events. I always thought it would be the other way ‘round but apparently God wants to shine a light on my basement.

How would you even grab a pussy? Like a bowling ball?

I got osprey. I am okay with that. Looking at my Facebook page full of apparent nerds, I think they are going to have to add Patronus Disappointment Disorder to the next DSM.

my first passport was full-on aileen wuornos.

MORTAR. Mortar is between bricks. Grout is between tiles. Sheesh.

I thought the Herbalife empire had collapsed. Crap. What a horrible thing to do to you.

I feel like sombreros and tequila aren’t cultural appropriation as much as cultural reduction

Not too bad. It sounds like most of them carry ice cream with them at all times.

It would appear Mother Theresa was in fact quite the asshole.

listen, let’s not let the wacko conspiracy theories overshadow Hillary’s actual health problems. i have extensive experience in this area and there is literally no issue more debilitating than seasonal allergies. what if her hands are covered in mucus and she hits the “bomb the earth” button by accident? what if she’s…

Ozzie curries Sharrons favor over naan.

The Osbornes Reunite: Ozzy no Longer Persona Naan Grata?

Indeed! It’s not as though Jeb Bush or Ben Carson were particularly spirited opponents considering one obviously didn’t even want to be there, and the other apparently suffers from narcolepsy. Ted Cruz was the scariest thing up on that stage — and I sincerely feel for the various drifters he no doubt lured into his…

Holy shit.

I tend to eat healthy or just plain weird vegetarian stuff. Problem solved. No-one wants my lunch except me! Bonus: I get to gross out my coworkers by telling them what I am eating.

Act superior if you want, but as someone who doesn't know who Billy Bush is, I feel like the real winner here.