It is the Stride of Pride, bro.

SHIT. I would have told her to fuck herself

There’s only one solution

Fire this man directly into the sun. Please and thank you.

I convinced my little brother that Velcro was Spam fur, like one side was male and the other female and it helped them mate because they’re boneless. He didn’t figure out it was a lie until middle school. Now he’s actually a biologist!

“Well trained barista” = “anyone that walks in off the street that is slightly smarter than a chipmunk”

I have better things to do than pay for overpriced coffee drinks I can easily make myself at home.

Tipping for coffee is stupid. There are push button machines that do a better job than most people.

Enjoy your prion sandwich.

A picture is worth a thousand words. In the case of this header photo, they are all “Ugh.”

Counterpoint: flying sucks, drinking something helps. 

Why don’t you go pursue your vegan life-style on your own and leave the rest of us alone when we buy a sausage and egg about once every two months. Jeebus, Debbie.

Pssst... dietary cholesterol doesn’t lead to high cholesterol and dietary fat doesn’t make you fat. Yes, it’s about 1,000 calories, but perfectly manageable when budgeting for a total day’s worth of calories. Upgrade your 1990's nutritional knowledge.

‘melty’ needs to be purged from the lexicon

Ah, someone else who knows the southern "bless your heart" is a bunch of bullshit. Someone said it to me once and was surprised when I replied with "yeah, fuck you too." 

“I’m being abused at work, so others should too!”

Building a website. With SquareSpace. 

Will they interrupt the awards show every 15 minutes to tell us about how great Blue Apron or Casper is?

Yeah, a quick search will reveal lots of unbuckled kids hitting the ceiling of buses when they hit a bump. Also a kid getting dragged 100 feet because her backpack got caught in the door, and kids yelling at their drunk school bus driver, and kids getting hit by school buses.