Our family tradition at Christmas is to go out Christmas Eve for lunch at a greasy spoon, be polite to the server, and leave a $100 tip in cash. It’s kind of selfish, actually— we all get to feel super altruistic, and we race to get out before the server finds the cash and feels like they need to thank us.

My birthday is exactly a week before Christmas, and as such, is almost always the day that my office chooses to have their holiday party. This has happened several times over the years with various jobs, and it is generally uncomfortable and has occasionally gotten weird.

The most memorable, however, was several…

At some holiday gathering when I was seven, all the boy cousins insisted on playing a game that appeared to involve swords and riding the dog like a horse, and they wouldn't let the girls play. A relative helpfully suggested that that game was "boy stuff" anyway and we should go play with the girl toys...you know,…

Sounds like your costume really blue.

I should note that I def had to explain the costume to a few people, because sloshing a martini glass around while drunkenly attempting bon mots is a pretty normal Saturday night for me.

Now, for all you kids out there, the proper way to treat a lady is with respect. You see Dougie Gilmour out there? He always used to ask what his lady friends were into before he got them to agree to it. But that's just the way we did rough sex in Kingston, I tell ya. This John Gomechi is going to have someone take a…

Who is reading this guy's posts where he thinks "Yeah, they'll probably want to hear all of this horseshit but they'll probably be pretty offended if I use bitch. I should probably just hint at it.".

2 days before Valentine's day, we're sitting at our local bar and somehow get onto a conversation that basically goes like this "you make me miserable." "omg! you make me miserable too!" "want to go to Red Lobster? I have a gift certificate." "YES." Then we went to Red Lobster for our 'breakup dinner' and ordered the…

My last boyfriend and I dated unofficially for a year then officially for a year. He dumped me in a text while I was on the Megabus to NYC for a week of job interviews. I had just seen him two days before so this seemed a little fucked up/inappropriate. I cried in Pret A Manger for a couple hours then tried to pull it…

A+ for shitting in his car.

Going up, my parents were were divorced and never communicated directly. I got bounced back and forth between them a lot. Always based on what my mom needed. Fuck my social life or grades or stability. If being a parent started to get too hard, she'd ship me off to live with my grandmother or father. She'd get lonely,…

My freshman year of college, I made the mistake of dating a very serious born-again Christian. (I was raised both Catholic and Unitarian Universalist, I'm not sure what he was doing in the relationship either.)

One of my exes was into medieval reenactment and at one point bought me a throwing axe, which I got to be pretty good at. When I dumped him, he went to my room and grabbed it, then fell to his knees baring his throat and offering it to me while begging me to "end it now." I laughed so hard I staggered backwards and…

And that was just a wizz palace. This is a whole Wiz Khalifa.

If "bootstraps" fucked a yogurt commercial, the bastard offspring would be "Love yourself more."

First of all, it's time we all let go of this bullshit notion about what does or doesn't "look homeless." It only feeds into the notion that poor or homeless people are only allowed be gifted with our sympathy and aid if the appear and act downtrodden enough to satiate our humanitarian whims. If you want to know what…

...if they don't shave their arm pits or legs for 10 weeks...