Analogies are allowed. Yours just suck.

How in any conceivable way is having sex with a married person like abusing someone on the street?

You are seriously over dramatic.

Yes, because the only reason anyone ever sleeps with a married person is as part of a deliberate plan to break up their marriage.

my funeral better cost like, $50 tops. light me on fire, throw me to the wind then sit back with everyone and celebrate my life with some beer and mini hot dogs.

Kim Kardashian is not Middle Eastern. Armenia is in the Caucasus. She's literally Caucasian. The definition of Middle East specifically excludes the Caucasus.