Jailed for failure to pay a fine. JAILED. This is our fucking country, people. Sweet fancy moses.

I’m just going to pretend this is a real transcript of an actual interview. Because it doesn’t sound like a joke, and I want it to be real.

... So about this penguin theft?

Mark, you’re on a roll.

No. My wife and I have been married for 18 years now and the issue has never even crossed our minds. The day we got married our townhouse complex had just been sold and we had no place to live and I had just lost my job so we literally started our life together with nothing.

My mom definitely was naked around me and would occasionally take baths with me. But it was always very clear that this was okay because she was my Mom and that it wasn’t something that was for everyone. It also wasn’t like a “naked house” situation. It’s not like she was nude all the time. But if she was going to…

It is the woooorst! I’m a writer and when my mother died, my family wanted me to add some poignant, pithy inscription on her tombstone.

No, it would be a private doctor’s office, not a PP.

I need to go steal my dolls back from my nieces and recreate Bitch Better Have My Money ASAP.

Actually, sometimes we do. We’re not perfect, especially not at 5 years old, when we think 19 cents is enough to start saving for a surgery and that because we found it in the couch, it’s ours. And sometimes, poor parents don’t want to take the 19 cents away from a five year old to pay the bills because the thought of…

I’m a family law attorney, and my office has been up in arms about this all week.

Classy and inclusive. It sets the tone for the day and your marriage.

I’ve said this here before, but my specialty (pediatrics) exists because getting kids through their first 12 years of life was kind of a big deal for a long, long time. Vaccines have literally changed the entire scope of practice. The doctors that trained me saw things weekly that I’ve seen maybe ONCE. The Pediatric…

“appointment sex” always makes me think about the other things you make an appointment for. Like a massage. Which makes me think of “happy endings”. Or an auto tuneup. Which makes me think about “lube”. Or with a stockbroker. Which makes me think about “spreads”. So pretty much everything makes me think about sex. BRB…

I LOOOOOOOOOOOVe the fact that the more progressive we get, the more and more these people sound like absolute LOONEY TOONS.

My co-worker’s son had a tornado warning during their reception. Guests were herded into the bathrooms for half an hour. Everyone was fine. Everyone had a great time. The bride and groom are still happy five years later, and have a great story to tell.