Inception happens.

"Kendall Rae Talbot was working at one of her four jobs when she noticed some commotion outside her new car on Marshall Street in Syracuse.

Persoanlly I don't think a statement was neccesary. Just tell the cop his name

Cop"Ok, tell me what happened. Why did you hit him?"
Big Jim "His name is Hayes McGinley. He's a lacrosse player for Syracuse"
Cop "You're free to go..."

Even easier: move the decimal point, multiply by two.

You should probably discuss this with a therapist.

"That song goes, 'Ding, ding, ding, da-ding-da." Mine goes, "Ding, Ding, ding, da-ding-da, DING, DING, da-ding-da, ding, ding. See it's not the same!"

i remember watching an interview with him where he explained the difference btw Under Pressure and Ice, Ice Baby and it was so fucking rediculous; it all turned on the last the last two triads being like a 3rd instead of a 5th or an octave or something even less significant.

Still great

I'm guessing a lot of artists will be under pressure to stop, collaborate and listen to what their attorneys have to say.

Bruno Mars better watch the fuck out. Because this guy is pissed off.

We had to kill them sometimes on the farm where I grew up. Didn't need $5000 weapons to do it, and we didn't pose for pictures afterwards.

You guys see any Axe body spray on this list? No? Well then, STOP FUCKING BATHING YOURSELF IN IT BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE!

Use toilet paper.

I'll go ahead and be the one to ask the awkward question on everyone's mind here: if you lose, does Kanye's mother go to hell?

Thank you. I get so tired of hearing adults bag on teenagers. Yes, they can be exasperating, but most of the time they come by that honestly, because they're terribly anxious, and lack the life experience to know that they can survive how they feel, and that it can change. They're flailing, while trying to cover up…

Well, when you've been hit with *bird* shot, you obviously can't go to a place that serves burgers...

A guy with an open gunshot wound is still arguably the healthiest person in a KFC.

The Whole Wheat Toast is the best, because it was so obvious once I read it fully, but at that same time I had no idea of the punchline until the end.

She's clearly allergic to 45-degree angles.

"I ORDERED WHOLE WHEAT TOAST FOUR TIMES AND YOU GUYS KEEP CUTTING IT IN HALF!"