If you want some top-shelf accuracy concern trolling, check out Deep Sea News's educatiarcastic fake rant on Jurassic World's violation of import/export laws.

I'm glad the "real women have curves" trend is dying out. I get that thin people have more privileges than non-thin people, but I never thought it was fair how they were excluded from the positive body image movement just because their bodies are more socially acceptable. I've always believed in promoting self-esteem…

cue the Lumberjack Song, Monty.

if a customer wants you to grill a steak until it gets tender, you grill it until it gets tender

"My suspicion is that they're getting their semen from sodomites. Semen flavours up the coffee, and makes you thinks you're having a good time."

The stench emiting from apartment 304 was awful. Sarah felt the bile begin to rise in the back of her throat.

This was a group effort. I'm just the instrument.

I think my local Starbucks just lost all of its baristas. Their hair is like the inside of a crayon box and I am sad, because their morning banter is delightful.

Considering their breakfast sandwiches taste like apathy given form, I wish them good luck with that.

So my barista won't be able to wear her big oval mood ring anymore? How am I supposed to know when she is happy/romantic/passionate now?

Some people might think that mood rings are affected by temperature and that the steamed milk contraption makes her ring turn blue, but I know in my heart that the barista is sweet…

There's nothing wrong with saying "Get the Cheetos dust out of your neckbeard and quit wearing the tee shirt you bought in eighth grade and by the way your Star Wars sheets from GRADE SCHOOL do not scream "take me", so buy some damn linens already" and other such things, because you are basically telling men not to…

HE SAVE BREAD!!!

I'm here for your eternal soul...m'lady.

Straight out bragging here. I buy boxes of full size candy at Costco and give them all out. I live on a corner in a really nice house and light up the yard with inflatable ghosts and spiders and pumpkins so everyone knows there is candy here. Lots of kids get driven to the neighborhood (we see the cars) and I have a…

Can you imagine the poor baby licking the mom's armpits? I don't wanna overuse the Nathan Fillion gif, but fuck.

I used to work in a strip club/adult store/massage parlor. We had internet booths, with some free porn access. Every. fucking. week, random middle-aged, well-dressed, white guy in a suit would scuttle out of his booth like he had a red hot potato jammed up his ass and scoot out of the store and almost without…

Am I the only one who reads "Engagement Chicken" like "Easter Bunny" and imagines a Chicken in a top hat & tails, carrying a blue Tiffany box?

I refuse to be ensnared by anything less than a meatloaf*. I won't even shack up for some lemon chicken bullshit.