That's your opinion. Mine is that nothing with lobster involved is 'the shit.' I do wish people would stop trying to sell me on the culinary virtues of water bugs.

Perhaps it's due to my parents, working in the service industry, or maybe the fact that I have the ability to empathize, but if my kids couldn't keep the majority of their shit on the table and behave like actual human beings, I didn't take them out. And it's a bullshit excuse that you have to take kids to…

I think that might be the core problem for me. I have a passionate hatred for anything I feel is overrated (see: my feelings on Return of the King, aka, "17 Hours of Peter Jackson Masturbating").

YOUR FACE IS AN ALL-AROUND DISAPPOINTMENT, YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD, etc etc etc.

There's two approaches to this as a parent: either clean up or, if you really don't want to clean up, apologize and leave an even better tip. I didn't mind cleaning up after kids if their parents tipped better to make up for that.

If you don't clean up after your kids at a restaurant, you are an asshole. I get that it may be a rare treat to get out of the house and not cook, but that does not mean that you get to do whatever the fuck you want. My one-year-old is very fond of throwing her food on the floor when she is tired of being in her…

I can't even argue with this.

This is a visual representation of every C.A. Pinkham writeup about food:

and it's best when there's lots of licking and sucking involved. And everyone ends up slightly sticky.

Eating a Cadbury Creme Egg is always an intimate experience. Between you and the egg.

If you expected a fair an balanced accounting of holiday candies, rather than an excuse to make jokes about weird food, you are really not familiar with this blog.

Men: Now us men can feel insecure too! Score one for the patriarchy!

Women: Yeah, bitches! Welcome to the party.

Men: Uhh, we were being sarcastic ...

Women: Look, motherfuckers. We've been dealing with this shit, like, forever. We're too tired to be sarcastic. We have no pity left. Now push-ups and crunches and toes…

such is the power of the Cadbury creme egg

You rarely laugh or smile? Really?

Reading this makes me feel like I need to shower, and I'm not 100% sure why.

WHY MUST YOU POLLUTE THE AIR WITH VILE CALUMNIES?!

Because I love you, I will 'splain you how to eat the Cadbury Creme Eggs.

LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.

If we were ever to have 3 boys, the third would have been Malcolm... after this dude...

Yes. Their names are (from youngest to oldest): Quvenzhané, Quigley, Quiznos, Queef, Quahog, Q'doba, Quaalude, Quiche, Quilt, Quinoa, Quincy, Quality, Question Mark, Quaint, Queerbait, Quail, 'Questrian, Quimby, and Sir Quacks-a-lot.