Precisely. I was in the car with my daughter when she was two weeks old, and some woman not paying attention nearly sideswiped my car twice. My very thought was, “I’m going to jump out of this car and rip her carotid out with my bare teeth.” And then I was like, “Whoah. Did I just think that?” So yeah, animal is the…

Like an advent calendar leading up to Election Day! And every piece of chocolate would show another horrible thing he’s done. I’d still eat the chocolate- I have no shame in my snack game.

Maybe you are forgetting a little conflict called Desert Storm in Kuwait/Iraq.

Damnit, I miss Colbert in his former incarnation. He referred to Steve Doocy as “The Deuce!” like they got up to shenanigans together back in the fraternity.

I’m a relatively in-shape 43 year old that goes to the gym and gets naked with a stump for a foot and a misshapen leg. I got over bitches like this by the ninth grade. I’ve been dealing with shit like this since before she was born.

Public Enemy said it better than I ever could- “Can’t Truss It!”

Anyone ever heard the old fable of the scorpion and the turtle? Hint: Newt is the scorpion. (Why does his name have to be Newt when I'm talking about a parable with animals?!)

One parent to another, ALL THE STARS!

Preach!

Gosh, I want to disagree with you and jump on the “it doesn’t even compare” bandwagon, but I just can’t. I came from SUCH a toxic family, and it was so easy for years to hate the most spiteful, unstable one. But time lets you consider the others too, and my conclusion was, “You’re all assholes.”

I thought I was the only one, truly.

AAAAND we’re friends now.

LOVED him in Boogie Nights. He was fantastic; brought some much needed levity to the whole thing. “Our MUUUSIC!!!”

Ok, the takeaway funny here is Sheboygan. Can we use this as a verb, perhaps meaning the botching of a sexual assault? I for one hope we see many more Sheboygans in the near future.

Actually, she was even younger. Juliet was 13. Shakespeare nerd and I'm suitably ashamed for the minutia comment!

And it's a pretty smart way to do it, too. I think it will work, because Trump can't help but take the bait. When a woman insults him, he's like a raccoon near a trash can with the lid left off. Except that raccoons have cute little hands, and Trumps huge meat paws, well, we know about them. Plus, raccoons are…

And if playing Donald Trump gets me played by Warren, I'm still all in. I'd defend that woman with my life.

Wow. Just watched this for the first time and...wow. I'm going to be late for work, but I'm not sorry.

It was so fly.

This man has a meaty ham of a head.