As a Brewers fan, I can only say that I saw a very limited amount of Yasmani Grandal games last season. And that sample size was heavily-skewed towards his horrendous NLCS showing. So, admittedly, I may have thrown my phone and said “what in the actual fuck?” when I got the notification that we signed him last night.

Holy fuck, that’s incredible!

“I feel that upright’s pain. I was playing soccer in the backyard with my kids, and it sounded just like that when I took a soccer ball to an unfortunate location.”

It’s not a flat circle. It’s a Jeremy Bearimy, and the Jaguars will forever suck.

Jesus Christ, that Madeira sculpture needs to replace the head on the statue. That face goes perfectly with a bunch of people grabbing his crotch.

You know, ten years ago, Olive Garden was good food. Then it’s like one day, they just changed all of the pasta that they served, and it immediately became shit.

I believe that! I’m a person who used to boo the Zamboni drivers for going off the ice without coming back for that last little strip. I bet nobody has ever been booed for lawn mowing. On second thought, my wife has probably yelled at me before about the lawn. Dammit!

This is the most Oakland Raiders thing that has ever happened.

In reality, it was just the embarrassment that comes from losing consecutive bowls to teams quarterbacked by Alex Hornibrook and Jack Coan. Yikes.

Ha! I want to hang out with Laura’s mom!

Holy fuck, Will. I’m still not sure that somebody didn’t hack Magary’s twitter just to convince us all that he’s not dead. All of these eulogies and talk of mass death is killing the nice buzz created by having no bosses in town this week.

I’m with you on this. The few times in my life I’ve been able to witness some big sports moments, I loved being able to design a framed keepsake that included pictures and ticket stubs. Sure, they’re little trinkets, and the photos do prove that you were there, but it’s not the same thing.

The most shocking piece of information buried here is that Trump knows how many feet a 3-story building is. Holy shit!

Right, “accidentally.” Uh huh.

OR, hear me out here. What if you get her something that results in her sleeping with you?

“I call this the cone of silence. Respect it, or Aaron Hernandez will kill you. I think. On second thought, what was the question again?”

...

Close, but Jake is actually Don Junior.

I did it for you. I even used “I Do Not Vike This” as my subject line. I encourage you to do the same.

Jake Jackson seems like a really well-adjusted person. I’m pretty sure that’s probably Don Junior’s alter-ego.