That’s not a pull-up bar.
That’s the perch Jared hangs from when he sleeps during the day.
Also notice that there are no windows in the room to let in deadly sunlight.

Whenever I went to a store that had a stuffed animal display, I would silently say “food, food, food, water, water, water” so I knew they were all taken care of. I was a silent stuffed zoo keeper. 

Data, you say? Data scoffs...

I’ve said it before and I'll say it again: It was a huge fucking mistake to give humans unfettered access to mass communications. 

I too find it hard to do the sex in my 8000-square-foot manse, but only because I can’t find my partner and by the time I do, the tingle is gone. Solidarity, Gwenoop. 

Yeah but, did you play Amazon Trail? That was the real devastation in childhood. No one I knew could beat it. We all died of simultaneous malaria and eel stings.

my money’s on gormless

I liked Oregon Trail, but Carmen Sandiego was my real Computer Lab Jam.

Adonis is a terrible name and I don’t like Wheel Chair Jimmy. 

My boyfriend and I were in the moving in together process before this shit show began, and for practicality reasons (shared food reserves, companionship, if one person gets sick someone can drive them to the hospital etc) decided to quarantine in my apartment.

Honestly, a lot of these just sound like people settled for a partner whose presence they could tolerate with breaks, but now that they’re forced to spend more time with them, shit is hitting the fan.

In a tweet Rudy Giuliani was allowed to press send on this morning, he quoted Candace Owens’s dubious assertion that people die every day, so why should we get so worked up about covid-19 overwhelming our hospitals?

They should hire him to narrarate National Park training films. “I Ain’t Messin’ Witchu: A Field Guide to the Fauna of the American West.”

Hi Jezzies,

As Porter exclaimed: “I did the math!”

The service desk people are damn heros for doing that job. Much respect to you. 

You win. Dear lord almighty I choked because I was laughing so hard. Poor Turd-Breath Lurch.

In Navy boot camp, everyone spends a week or so working in the base mess hall cooking food for all the other recruits. When Seaman Recruit Ghost had to take his turn, he was assigned to the mess hall bakery. This bakery was run by this tall, rangy guy who had been in the Navy for 16 years, yet was only a third-class…

You asked for booger-related. I used to work for a certain orange big box home improvement center as part of the overnight restocking crew. One of the summer college kids we had once was just gross right from the jump. He reeked from bad hygiene in general, often wore the same clothes all week, chewed with his mouth…