We’ll rig up a chocolate fountain to run through Abe’s nostrils.

I’ll bring sangria.

He went to Princeton, surely there must be a Craig Maizin out there for this guy too.

Wide stance?

Certainly; I don’t mind if I do. But just a drink, if you don’t mind. Nothing personal atall, but like the man said, I’m kind of going with someone. Getting on for 20 years now, as it happens. (Yes, I know I’m dull and unadventurous).

And what aspect of this shit-head's behavior leads you to believe that he has ever been intimate with a human?

His right hand would never tell on him, but his left hand totes would (cuz you know, fucking lefties)

It really does show something about this guy that he immediately thought of his penis when he read the name of the column.

As a white male who isn’t good at anything or very smart, this guy proves that I’m really underachieving in life.

Agreed... I rolled my eyes when Colton Hayes came out. It was like, really, with those brows?—you don't say...

It looks like only one of them has a documented history of domestic violence.

I’m sort of upset about it, because I hear nothing but dickish things about him and I think he’s so so talented and funny and I just...I don’t like to hear that talented people are assholes. As you can imagine, life is hard for me.

Colton responding to him on (I think) Facebook and signing his name at the bottom “- Colton Pussy Haynes” killed me though.

I have a chaste, bookish boy crush on her. I just want to go to the library with her in the summertime, and read all the books at an oak table in the air-conditioned quiet, and then ride bikes home for supper.

A few weeks ago I went to DC and street parked. About 45 minutes later the barricades and police showed up — they were clearing the street for the presidential motorcade. It was really cool to see it go by — something like 27 vehicles — and they made sure the street was entirely and completely devoid of traffic.…

He will find new and inventive uses for that chainsaw....

Ted Budd sounds a lot like Ted Bundy. Who was a serial killer.

Yes, but if he did abuse her when his mother died, why were they eating dinner months earlier in a restaurant?

I assume it's the two people pretty everybody knows are/were gay? Is it really a spoiler if it has been known for 300 years?