“and the second caught him in a painful place”

He’s not even the highest ranked athlete named Aubrey; I’d go with Aubrey Montague from Chariots of Fire, a real British Olympian. (Although according to Wikipedia, he actually went by Evelyn.)

THIS is why Joel Embiid was studying the stats sheet.

I get that breastfeeding gets the attention (boobies!), but don't you think you buried the lede with that Callie Rivers story? 

“how he couldn’t remember Albert Pujols’s name”

More like the Bolton Wonderers, amirite? 

“We wanted more of a Bush experience, a race that would put a little woodsmanship into it.”

Great fact I just learned today: the Washburn University team name is the Ichabods.

+3 (true outcomes) 

Richard Jenkins, call your agent. 

It got even weirder when Gettleman told Breer “Mister I ain't a boy, no I'm a man."

Choki

On the plus side, he doesn't have to see them get wrecked by Giannis. 

How did the TV station get the tape? And did the DA have access to it when he decided not to press charges? 

Mo's money mo problems

It’s an old Mayan deal.

Of course, that should be Ronnie O'Sullivan. 

Everyone is aligned against Brendan O’Sullivan?

Cleveland versus Syracuse is the Sophie's Choice of the AHL. 

Has "honky" ever been used unironically, as an actual insult?