Match Point is a fascinating film. I personally loved it, found the writing and direction superb, the lead actor utterly believable and compelling, and the supporting cast all solid. But Scarlett was erratic and often completely off key. What's interesting is I think her shakey performance actually improves the film.…

How 'bout Robin Thicke stuffing his fat smug face with gobs of potato salad? That's gotta be grosser than potato salad on its own.

I fully acknowledge that Scarlett Johansson is an accomplished and even at times compelling actress, but I can't help but get over excited at the mere memory of the sight of her devastatingly sultry physique in that poured on skin tight body suit from the Marvel movies. I mean for the love of God, I'm only human.

What are you gettin' at? Stop beatin' around her bush.

Good luck and bon appetit.

You absolutely must use real Proscuitto di Parma or there's just no point. Spanish jamon Iberico is even better, but more expensive, of course.

I was convinced for a time immediately afterward that someone had gotten a hold of her phone and was yanking my chain, almost enough to make consider actually calling her. But then I just assumed that she had gotten into the Cognac.

Yeah, you and Leonard Pierce.

What are you, some kind of math doctor?

That's grim. Funny, but grim.

Sorry, but without the assistance of Miley Cyrus his music just isn't twerking. Working… No, twerking.

Dogs sleeping with cats? No, I won't hear of it!

Word.

Ha! You kill me.

What can't yukon golds do?!

I like it but I must insist on a light sprinkling of bacon. Sorry, but that's just not negotiable. Oh alright, maybe some prosciutto or even jamon Iberico. And no fresh ground pepper?! Shocking.

Yours is a ureatic acid wit.

Packing his penis into preteens?

My temperamental Filipino house boy, Haji, just threw a roll of Brawny paper towels at my head with a sneer.

A text fight is like having an argument with an imposter. You just can't believe that the person you know so well could possibly say or think the ridiculous shit that you're reading. Is this an autocorrect situation?! It's the ultimate WTF.