More of a con than a lie, but when they were about 3 and 4, and didn’t want to do something like go to bed, I’d say, “Well, let’s just flip a coin. Heads I win, tails you lose.” That worked for a few months. Then they were very, very angry.

One thing we never lied to our children about was sex. Ignorance about sex can…

Once when my eldest lost her first tooth she asked me what the tooth fairy does with all the teeth she collects. I told her they were re-used in new babies. Which grossed the girl out to no end.

If you don’t believe in Santa he doesn’t bring you any presents.

We learned early on (with my now 5 y/o, who has a mind like a steel trap, and is likely going to be some sort of defense attorney, or lobbyist...), that the lies of convenience come back to bite us on the ass at the worst. possible. time.

My mom had two memorable whoppers:

My mother has said that she considers lying to one’s own children to be cruel and goyish.

My mother has passed down “if you lie your penis will fall off” my 6year now regularly tells her brother that (granted the kid has some tall tales ) . It’s hilarious 

My parents told me we couldn’t get cable growing up because the workers hadn’t put cables on our side of the street yet. She said they ran out of cables. I didn’t think anything of it. In college we moved and we got cable at the new house. I was telling a friend “Yeah, I’m excited we’re getting cable, we couldn’t get…

When I’m at work, my wife tells my kids that, “Only dads are allowed to install batteries.”

My mom had some classics, like “you are my son and I love you” and “it’s all part of God’s plan” and “don’t worry, we’re working hard to put both of you through college.”

That when her Amazon Tablet times out for the day it needs to be recharged, and there’s nothing we can do. If the kid knew we could just add more time, it would be a thing. Instead she brings it to us calmly and just asks us to charge it for tomorrow.

I just spent a glorious hour reading the terrifying stories someone linked to on reddit about all the creepy shit a Search and Rescue officer supposedly encountered during his career. And I suddenly remembered something that used to scare the piddle out of me. And I’m gonna talk about it here because it stands a…