My cat, who once opened a microwave oven while the popcorn was popping, has more self-control than the caramel lady.

My cat, who once destroyed a floor-to-ceiling lamp with her butt, has more self-control than the caramel lady.

My cat, who once fell off a bookshelf at 3 AM only to land butt-first on my face (catass…

I was approached once by an aspirant to the throne of Kansas. Three weeks before the Big Day. She didn’t have a particular talent, so she figured she’d sing (that is invariably my super favorite, plus THREE WEEKS). She couldn’t sing. I tried my best, I did, but by the end I was just hoping she didn’t tell anyone who…

Never. Fuck her. My culture, my pain, my joy, my everything about being a black woman is not hers to wear as a costume. Can she identify what it was like for me and other black girls never seeing ourselves positively when we were little? No dolls depicting our colors and features? Does she know how it felt when that…

I love fruitcake and I don’t understand why people hate it. It’s cake with gummy candy (ok, candied fruit, same difference) in it and it tastes like rum and Christmas/winter spices why doesn’t everyone love this?!

Since all the dinosaurs are female and they talk to one another, presumably about anything other than men, would that mean that Jurassic Park has the highest score on the Bedchel Test?

“COME to Christian,” he muttered under his breath as she timidly shuffled to his desk. Though taken aback by her innocent beauty, he knew he must keep his demeanor stoic so that she may one day, like, show him her boobs and stuff. “Uhhhuhuhuh” he snickered as she slowly seated herself, giving him a brief glimpse of…

I hope his inner monologue reads like Beavis from Beavis and Butthead.

Beats me, I have actively avoided learning anything about bitcoins since they first became a thing. This is the first time I’ve been tricked into reading a fact about them. In other news, get of me lawn.

This is one of my “secrets” that makes me question if I’m a feminist or not. I considered getting a burner for this comment, but meh.

Start by being In N Out.

My dad, ever the technological early adapter, now has two stand alone DVRs because being a retired person, his TV schedule is deep. So my parents DVR two shows at once and watch a third. They are hilarious.

Dude Tequila is the beeeeeest!!!! I feel really bad for everyone who has the “I can’t drink tequila anymore” story because tequila is my jam.

I want to take this opportunity to give a shout-out to the best boardwalk of all time: the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk. Go ride the Giant Dipper, body surf in the ice-cold Pacific, eat an enormous corn dog, drink homemade lemonade, get a sunburn, rinse, repeat.

The real Mark Twain plays the role of “dead man doing barrel rolls in the grave forever”

Like most people, I was an gangly teen- all pimples and limbs and braces. I had a huge, super nerd-girl crush on someone I’ll call Joe. Joe was a year older than me even though he was in the same grade, and had bit puberty sooner as a consequence, so was more man-than-boy shaped. Ravelston likied.

One look at time on…

Pictured: Barack HUSSEIN Obama uses his Muslim powers to give entire islands The Gay to keep them from telling the truth about #BENGHAZI.