You know who else uses proper punctuation? Obama.

I blame Jesus, the landscaper.

Stop the fight. You win.

I was (and may still be) a nerd, and I tend to agree with Hemmerling here, but I’ve been laughing at this comment for a good 2 minutes, so nice work (dickhead).

“the contest’s immediate and long term future is up in the air”

“Let’s do our best not to crush them before they make the world better.”

It’s easier to cop to a mistake when you’re filthy rich and can’t be fired.

Prosecutors hope he flops.

This is the worst example of hitting the pipe since Rob Ford.

No idea who the seller is, but this may be the only way Matty Ice gets a SB ring.

Relatedly, legend has it that the captain of the Titanic dreamed about hitting an iceberg the night that the ship went down.

Even Mike Pence had to sit down in the middle of that singing of the anthem.

If someone doesn’t show up with skeleton helmet with a skull on it, I’m giving up sports completely.

I don’t like Laura Ingraham.

I’m not sure about Brady, but that Italian is definitely Griese.

What kind of celebrity hangs out at a mall? He truly is disturbed.

In related news, last night’s Warriors/Suns game marked the first time in NBA history that a coach got T’d up for kicking the opposing coach in the fruit basket.

Meet me by the bike racks after school.

I thought they say “If you cheat at golf, you colluded with Russia to steal the presidency.”

Jr has a striking resemblance to Sr.