J Jonah Jameson: "Call your mom, call your dad. If you are lucky enough to have a parent or two alive on this planet, call them."

Seeing a guy strike out this badly, I assumed I was watching the Mets.

Sam Hinkie: (trades Albert Burneko to Eater for a half-eaten bag of Cheetos, one waffle cone and a 2020 guest column)

There really is no better place for a man to go incognito than the frozen wasteland of Buffalo.

Cut him some slack, it's kind of hard to talk with 32 people working you like a puppet.

As the sweet melodies of summer fade towards the wafting breezes and plump pumpkins of October, there are but few things that can deliver us solace on the cold, wintry nights. A mug of spiced cider, dusted with nutmeg and delivered to you by a serving-wench who does not attempt to talk to you because her brain is…

This game was ridiculous. I was in just in shock for most of the second half. Could have done without Diego Costa's amazing feats of dickishness though.

That's pretty much what I would have said at the start of the season, but that was before seeing them get outplayed by Swansea and Sunderland. As for Woodward, if spending 120 odd million on the crock of shit that is Herrera, Shaw and Rojo, Di Maria notwithstanding, and not being able to sign anyone early enough to…

Serious question for discussion: What do you guys think it would take for van Gaal to be fired? I was sure that it wouldn't happen this year, but you gotta think if it continues for another month and still no wins, the noose tightens.

Sadly, I can't quite see Atleti managing to pull off what would be an even more impressive feat than last year's performance and making it a three way race this year. There's been a long history of clubs making a one year run at the big time and then having their talent poached (Shearer era Blackburn) or just simply…

The "Uwe Seeler of Upper Valais" is much the same as the "Hitler of Staffordshire." Seems impressive, probably only requires you to have access to a ball. Also, Sepp Blatter is Hitler.

Well, "cunning" is certainly close to words I would use about Sepp

Dwight Howard: [busts out Bane impression]

Considering die Schwarzgelben are my favourite team in the world, this season has set a new record for the earliest point at which I have cursed out my TV.

Thanks for this, Joe. For people like me (who still dream of becoming a writer for SNL), Don Pardo was an integral part of that dream and I can't imagine even Darrell Hammons's powers of impression will be able to replace him. To me, his voice signified importance. If he said someone's name, a part of me always…

OFFICER: Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.

The lesson here is that the Flaming Lips were ahead of their time.

"He was letting off steam. It was just a little bit of a friendly batter. "