Hey, you tell Gina that she better stop staring and give me my goddamn loaded curly fries or so help me god I will strike her down, this show ain't for free.

I don't understand why genitals are so offensive to people. Hell, I'm naked right now.

I get this. I guess my biggest turn off is someone having moral beliefs that are the antithesis of mine, who'd have thought? I've had a few Christian people try to date me, which usually ends in me trying to get them to question the absurdity of their beliefs, resulting in tears and unused condoms.

I thought the second one had a decent start, but I felt the third was nothing more than an over-extended epilogue for the second.

I've been an atheist since I was 15, and due to an extremely conservative and somewhat abusive upbringing, I was initially very anti-theist. I still am for the most part, but over the years I have come to realize that while liberal Christians may be obnoxious in their hypocrisy, their hypocrisy at least goes towards…

When your family is finished grieving, someone may chuck a corpse at your throne-hole.

Much like the female cowbird, I am one that feels others should do my work for me in that I plan on having my will dictate that whichever family member survives me (probably all of them) has to tux my body and wait for someone else to have a funeral and then chuck my body into the hole at the last second, shouting "no…

Small town Oregon: where video stores still have a market because everyone is so poor. And the only famous there, though before Steve Irwin died, he supposedly had a vacation house in the area.

I'd propose we make them fight to the death, but I'm pretty sure Hillary could take Sanders in a brawl and I'd honestly prefer him.

See: New York Christians, and their brand of PC yuppified religion. Basically, the type of Christians who, when questioned about iffy morals in the Bible respond with "Oh, that's the Old testament," and act like you're crazy for bringing up anything but the gospels. My brother and his wife practice this because…

Hey, hey, hey, Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor was a beautiful work of art, we all know what a woman needs is a good Christian Man to save her because otherwise she's gonna get HIV.

you know….

"I'll be bringing my own wig, thank you very much"—Johnny Depp

Only if it casts men who aren't conservative Christians in a terrible light.

The obvious solution to this glaring injustice is that we need more Tyler Perry movies.

For once, Johnny Depp's obsession with bad wigs makes sense.

A part of me is hoping that right now, two Scottish guys are screaming "LAAANNNNNAAAAA!" at the top of their lungs in the same bar.

Knowing that someone that obnoxious got famous for doing something in the field you also work in must be incredibly irritating. The only famous person I know, and this is a tangent note, is David Ogden Stiers and that's because he lives in my tiny one stop light town and is "close friends" with the guy who runs the…

There came a point when I thought that maybe I should stop the two kick-boxers as I watched one slam the head of the other into the concrete, but 18-year-old me quickly realized they were both bigger and stronger than me. They eventually decided the fun fight had become a real fight, gave up, and we went out and…

Lena Dunham reminds me of my friend that would take a xanax without telling anyone then have one beer and then fall asleep crying on the couch, whereas Abbi and Alana remind me of my neighbors who would get drunk and kick-box each other on my dorm room balcony until they were bloody and then wait for me to fall asleep…