Yeah, fair.

Sure it can, just look in your girlfriend’s nightstand.

Sounds like someone just found Deadspin. Welcome to the fold, Darren.

Hop into that shweet Dodge Caravan and find out.

You KNOW Jed York would put three $500 bottles of scotch on your tab though. That or drink soylent with a bunch of tech bros, then bail at 9pm.

If you got him drunk enough, I bet you could convince him to fly to Phoenix and sign Tyler Palko on the spot.

I don’t know. Dan Snyder seems like the kind of guy who wants you to think he’s cool so would buy a lot of cool and invite you over to see his 120 inch HD TV while having a fridge full of beer even though he doesn’t drink.

I don’t know about that, but I’m pretty sure you could talk Zygi Wilf into a few rounds of Mario Kart.

I don’t know anything about Woody Johnson, but come on! If he doesn’t like to party, he should be legally required to change his name.

And for the first time ever, Jim Irsay isn’t nearly as high as expected.

He’s the kind to hide the fact that he’s even drinking. When you realize he is, it’s some kind of weird hooch wine that they made back in the frat house in ‘55. He then reveals that all the ingredients can be found in any Hardee’s kitchen in America.

And simultaneously screams “WITNESS ME” while spray painting his mouth in chrome.

I’m really surprised that Getting Hit By A Car isn’t higher on this list.

Jerry and Jimmy Haslam should be interchangeable. Just know that if you’re partying with Jimmy, then it’s being paid for by some kind of insurance or credit card fraud.

I could see him going full Marge Schott by the 3rd drink (or before).

Dan Snyder would be fun to party with because he’s a loser who will do anything to appear cool. Hey Dan, ever buttchugged cough syrup?

I dunno, I can see myself playing some NFL Blitz on Nintendo 64 with Mark Davis.

I’ll bet he struts into parties, grabs a drink, and gives it the ol’ Shatner “KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!” before slamming it down.

Jerry Richardson would be a pleasant southern gentleman to share a drink with and listen to old-timey NFL stories. That is, until you get to drink No. 3 and he starts opining on the role of “the jews” in society.

Dan Snyder: Tom, come over!! Sure, sure, let’s party. Can’t wait to see you.
*drives to Dan’s mansion*
*security guy says it’s $50 to park*