then I assume you’re cool with the fact that your wife has taken a side job sucking cock on the weekends? I tipped well. You should have a good Christmas.

I was kind of board with the closet liberal theory, but now I'm thinking he may be an ISIS recruiting tool

LITERALLY HAD ME GOING UNTIL TWO THIRDS DOWN

When I was applying for college in the 90s, I was under a lot of pressure. My parents expected me to go to a top school like Stanford - all kinds of straight A students got rejected from Stanford, so I was really pushing myself. I had all kinds of extra-curricular activities in addition to a demanding course load.…

“I wrote some innocuous thing in 1789 that was just supposed to be about militias and muskets, and now none of these other asshats in heaven will let me live it down.”

No offense, but your parents kinda seem like dicks.

Five office detentions for throwing grapes at cars from my bus stop was bullshit.

I once called in hungover to work and still attended the golf outing the next day. Ballsiest thing I’ve ever done.

There are more than I'm proud of, but the funniest has to be an incident in high school. My parents found my booze stash in my closet while I was at school. I came home and my dad says "I found something in your room that was interesting, why don't you go grab it and bring it down here". Being the genius that I am, I…

She totally has to tell you, otherwise it’s entrapment.

I got grayed out on Deadspin for calling out Draper for un-approving a snide comment I made. *

Are you a cop?

Wonder Woman Eiffel Tower set to Tom Waits’ “Chocolate Jesus”?

A-

I guess we have our answer.

Beat it, nerd!

I think you inadvertently proved his point.