... no one has invented an alfredo sauce designed to shrink your waistline ...

Awesome.

When people complain (with good reason) that Americans distrust science, I put a lot of the blame at the feet of nutritional science. Is there a type of science that has done less good with contradictory findings and bad advice? Best just to ignore these studies altogether and just try to eat a balanced diet.

My ex-girlfriend always complained the fun was too fast.

I only subscribe to Feminism & Psychology for their yearly swimsuit issue.

Dear Salty Waitress - is it wrong to go to Applebees for $1 margaritas, and ask the server to keep em coming until hyperhydration sets in?

Acts of Tortious Conduct is a great band name.

Yeah, that’s why I only get wine at the local winery where I am a member. And from the recommendations of the bar staff there.

And don’t get me started on blends. I’m convinced that’s why wine blends have the stigma that they do, because the name doesn’t actually tell you anything beyond “This will/will not stain the…

I’m getting all artichoked up.

I feel this - I used to add an extra “a” when it arrived on my college campus in the 90s - chick a fill a, (pronounced Chick- ah, fill - ah)I just did not get it.

Yea, I judge the book by its cover and then just hope it actually tastes good to me... Though, for this reason I hardly drink wine anymore (spend an hour in the store trying to pick one and then have to choke it down, no thanks). Give me a Genesee, a watered down sweet tea vodka, or an Irish Coffee (and one with…

Wikipedia says it ran “in most areas” until the late 80s, but lists the last episode as being in 1991.

Look on the bright side he might have good life insurance and I’m sure it’ll pay off soon.

Take your star and get out.

I never sausage marketing genius.

Make some room for a second dishwasher if you can. No joke. I saw this done for a house that was up for sale and it drew curiosity and questions from potential buyers. The agent told people the owners loved having parties, so they needed two to handle all the pots and pans.

Poor Yogi Sysiphus!

So far this has been my dirty little secret. Now that it’s out... I guess I should run.

Oh sure. Next thing you’ll be saying that switching to non-alcoholic beer will make me a better mohel. When does it end?

I always call it Hate-fil-a, but I’m always afraid I’m going to accidentally ask for Hate-fil-a sauce when I go there, because I’m stupid, and I do things like that.