i really hate it when people who point out that “mistake” and tell me i am tipping too much. i’ve never waited tables, but i have worked fast food, and non food tipped positions, so i base my calculations on additional inconveniences and hassle: 
i have a major food allergy (onions), so i tip on how difficult it was…

For best results down a bottle of bourbon while binging the Good Place.

I’m in Minnesota and the other day I was softening the butter we keep on our counter on a knife blade over the stove burner like it was hash, so I’m feeling pretty comfortable about leaving it out.

You need better coworkers. But you probably knew that. Out of curiosity, are you in “America’s Heartland™”

I saw “steak” in the article title, and got here as quickly as I could.

I finally won the 10% tipping battle with my father after years of it being an every meal thing. I don’t know what finally convinced him, but praise God in heaven he now is always around 20%.

Nitrogen is less dense than air so it would float at the top of the bottle and not displace the air at the bottom without using a lot of nitrogen. You definitely don’t want to use CO2 since then you run the risk of carbonating the wine. Unless they’re drinking champagne, you probably don’t want fizzy wine.

I’ll tell you something, every time I bring the cats into the vet for a check up, the vet says “Looks like he never missed a meal!” Hey, our cats aren’t fat, they’re just big boned. Solid. Maybe a little hefty

But no, sicko, they will definitely not freeze dry that.

You should probably point out that 15-20% is standard now and they’re undertipping.  ;)

I prefer the Gummi Venus de Milo. It was carved by gummi artisans who work exclusively in the medium of gummi.

Here in South Africa, we probably braai( barbeque) more than the average american and I was accused of blasphemy and threatened with being burnt on the stake... But when they tasted it, I suddenly made converts of all the sceptics. It takes much more effort and there is hardly time to take a decent sip of beer before…

If you see this man please offer him a hug.

oh you

yeah, ‘cause 2 pounds of butter can’t be 3-4x its own weight in fat content.

My mistake. I’m basing on the entire box of butter. I’ve corrected my bad math.

Yep. They calculated for 8 pounds of butter instead of 8 sticks

Once, my son and I were eating dinner, and I asked him if he thought he’d have kids.

I’ve got a ton of reasons for not wanting kids, but one of the big ones is because I can barely keep my own life from utterly falling apart (and I mean in verrrrry big, fundamental ways). The idea of doing that while also raising another human being fills me to the brim with anxiety and terror