Surely you're not trying to argue that these ARE in fact holiday sweaters? Because I will challenge you to hand-to-hand combat over this issue. HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT.

Marriage—and I say this as a married person—does not connote stability. It represents a shared commitment to a particular way of defining one's relationship, and it brings with it a lot of handy administrative/legal/logistical privileges and rights that I'm very grateful to have access to, but it does not in itself…

I need to challenge your reference to "holiday sweaters," here. Just because we're in the middle of the holidays and these sweaters match does not ipso facto make these holiday sweaters. Wherefore the carolers? The trees? The tiny sleigh bells sewn along the collar? No, these seem like standard-issue Fair Isle…

GAH!!! I can't even imagine what that looks like while it's healing!

I don't know how fake dimples are created, but in my mind, they just pull a thread through your cheek from outside to inside, and tie it real tight, to create a tufted effect. But that's probably not right.

People who are savvier about art history than I might correct me here, but I don't think that's even an actual replica of one of the paintings in Monet's Houses of Parliament series—the colors and the position of the sun don't seem right to me. It's more just "in the spirit of," I think.

That ceremonial blanket episode is so awesome that PBS actually uses it in a "commercial" for Antiques Roadshow that they sometimes air when they need to fill time between the end of one episode and the start of another. I love those moments.

That is a gift. You should be onstage at Carnegie Hall demonstrating that shit, because people would come see you, and marvel, and envy.

Eh, millions of us spend Christmas with our in-laws. She gets to do so on a private island, so I'm not going to expend too much sympathy on her plight.

It seems like when gossip magazines make up these stories, they do tend to construct a narrative that does not correspond to how actual humans behave. Like, what's the deal with "I've decided to stop working for the entire month of January in order to sit quietly and think hard about my relationship"?

I know—I didn't realize that was illegal. I would have thought those would be classified in much the same way as a hotel room or something—a private space that one temporarily rents within a larger shared space.

I don't even get the convenience factor. Never have I thought "ah, this is making my life so much easier!" I just don't do it, because I figure that embarrassment lurks somewhere down the road.

Realistic in the sense that most people are just fumbling through their sex lives, trying to understand what their partners want and kind of making shit up as they go along? Because that's the only sense in which this is realistic.

Oh man, PLEASE don't make me side with Touré. Anything but that.

Name-changing itself doesn't get an eyeroll, it's changing one's name to something so stupid, for a reason that actually has its own built-in contradiction—"I think people take themselves too seriously, so I'm going to change my name to something silly, which I will expect you to regard as a serious name-change.…

I had to indicate an intention to change my name on the marriage license. There was a separate line for it.

I'm really annoyed at your co-workers for not doing a better job of checking up on you!

Each episode of Downton takes a MONTH to shoot? What kind of crazy-magical production budgets do they have over there??

I was sort of hoping that his parents took into account the similarly French-y last name and decided to name him in honor of Bronson Pinchot.

SAME HERE!! That thing lasted FOREVER.