Your bureaucracy really turns my crank!!! Now fill out form AP-3221-B slow and seductively. Triplicate!!!!!

As an internet commenter I’m an investigative body that is both fair and methodical?! All shall bow down before me!!! All subjects shall respond to my every whim... I just lost my authority didn’t I?

No idea how you should feel. The music I listen to is from the 1960s - 70s, so I have no idea who any of these artists are and I did not watch the award show. I just know that the statement made by the academy President was not the best idea.

I thought Nic Cage was already in every movie ever made?!

I’m sure this tone deaf statement will go over well. As a general rule, if there is any doubt in your mind whether or not you should open your mouth, err on the side of caution and shut the fuck up. Unfortunately, I’m sure this man believed he was being profound.

Just like every reboot currently airing or about to air on television, I assume we are just going to pretent the last installment did not happen. Welcome go the wonderful world of retcon or a “gas leak” season.

The Deep State wiped Article 14 from the records when they got Nixon. Tune your tin foil hat to channel 12 to receive Article 14 and all its glory from the Hillary led Martian sex colony on Pluto which is still a planet. Do not believe what the Deep State says about Pluto. And if this makes any sense to you then I…

It wasn’t the episode right after 9/11 but the next one with Sean William Scott, where Will Ferrell was the ultra patriotic employee wearing the American flag g-string that sticks in my head the most. I still find that sketch humorous.

Dammit, I clicked on this article hoping that Hannity was eating a bowl of shit and not a figurative one. So, Hannity got caught in a lie and changed the subject which is otherwise known as Thursday.

So, if I say “You’re an asshat,” I’m basically calling you an idiot. If I were to say “I’m going to turn you into an asshat,” I have to visit HR.

Yeah, but they apparently watched the Kardashians to arrive at this conclusion, so I have to mock them a little bit.

I’m interested on how someone who has not seen the movie would order the spoilers. Would Luke milking the... whatever, be the climax? Would Chewy becoming a vegetarian after eating the porgs be the comic relief or a life defining realization destined for a prominent spot within the film? Possibilities abound.

I never asked the question. We just live in the Bizarro Reality where celebrities are somehow qualified to be President. I hate that I had to look at Kid Rock planning a Senate run and legitimately wonder if this could actually happen.

Okay, the Moonpie burger and someone eating the Moonpie with hair is freaking me out.

I remember watching “Murphy Brown.” You had to choose between it and “Monday Night Football.” I remember that my Mother also liked “Designing Women” and “Newhart.” I believe that they used to run in a block on CBS. My father would watch football on the big tv in the living room and I used to watch those on the small…

Something I learned about Philly is that apparently, you guys are really proud about being the fifth largest city in America. I learned this because I live in Phoenix and we keep swapping back and forth as the fifth largest city. I never knew anyone cared about it, but the Philly faithful got some pretty good burns in…

Watch out Donald, this is one Mexican I wouldn’t mind taking a very specific American job.

Wow, different world. The kids in my school that had Copenhagen or Skoal just got it confiscated. Sometimes, though rarely, they just had to put it away. Now you have safe lists. True story: I remember my P.E. teacher going out for a cigarette while we watched an anti-smoking tape. One of the more amusing things that…

Duuuude, you just totally pissed off Maze. Linda and Amenadiel need to leave town like yesterday. Wait, Maze is a really good bounty hunter. They are completely screwed.

I know almost nothing about professional wrestling. Recently, John Cena granted the most wishes in the history of the Make-A-Wish Foundation, so he seems like a decent guy from afar. Also, Duke Nukem might be making a comeback. I know that my office recently went back to Strip Club Friday’s and “Shake It Baby”…